When I landed in Honolulu on Oahu I was still wearing my winter AK. clothes but planned ahead and soon stripped down to shorts and a hideous Hawaiian shirt bought for $2 at a thrift store in Anchorage, which I soon noticed no one but tourist wear here in Hawaii. I lost 5 pounds just getting off the God damn plane to catch a flight to Kauai from the heat and it was raining. I landed here on Dec. 1st with $50 in my pocket, a few weeks of unemployment and a backpack full of gear I wouldn’t need. I never planned on coming to the islands but was encouraged by a free spirited Cherokee gal I met back in Girdwood. She said I was a kindred soul & a perfect candidate for a place of rumor and myth on the small island of Kauai. It was one of the last refuges of those who dwell in a place called freedom, a place called Kalalau. I didn’t know what to expect except naked women and waves and that was enough for me. After encouragement from a friend I also cropped my pubic hairs since she said everyone was doing it in Hawaii. Since that time I have met locals and people from all over the planet as this place is a destination for people from all walks of life. I cant really recollect the time frame or the facts but I’ll just sit here and power type, excuse the errors……..
Landed in Lihue……
Dec 1: After landing and missing the small bus that services the island which probably wouldn’t have let me on anyhow due to the size of my backpack, I ended up on my old friend again, the long and winding road. There are chickens everywhere, I feel like I’m in some episode of the Twilight Zone. Didn’t take long to get a ride up into Hanalei coincidentally enough by a kid from Girdwood who kicked me down a bud…. yeah Twilight Zone ahead. This is the surfing town of lore where Puff the Magic Dragon, pro surfers, movie stars & volleyball players live, along with an assortment of travelers, locals, drunks, new agers, yuppies, hippies, freaks, geeks, tweeks and yours truly. I met up with some Ak. peeps at the Church of the Pacific food bank in Princeville as planned and after loading up on rice, canned goods, cookies, & Vienna sausages, we all went down to Annini Beach one of the few places you can camp out with a permit as it is illegal otherwise. Of course none of us could afford them so we were constantly hiding from the rangers who come to shake tents down and write $100 tickets. I met a eccentric couple there named Magic and Rebecca, Magic has a flaming 3rd eye tattooed on his forehead and Rebecca carries a very large knife strapped to her calf like a Bond girl that makes her rather intimidating and sexy, they’re both just crazy enough to keep predators away yet run a great Luvin Ovens deal from the Rainbow days. I tried my hand at collecting Kahelelani Shells (very small shells that make gorgeous jewelry) but soon found this tiring trying to keep up with tweekers who can clean a beach full of them in blistering speeds that resemble a crab eating in fast motion, so all my hopes and dreams of hustling jewelry I made from them was dashed. Not to mention finding them is one thing, actually making quality jewelry is a total different deal. I think most people would have to be on drugs to make it anyhow. We were chillin’ waiting on a food bank on Friday from a church to kick down before we headed out to the Kalalau trail. Rebbeca took me under her wing and introduced me to the locals that hung out here like Aleki, Uncle Jon and the only guy darker than me, a Filipino biker named Pattrick. I learned allot from these folks on local customs (don’t sit on picnic tables!) like how to throw net and when to go after Octopus, how to watch tides for schools of fish, etc. One thing I learned was never try & Bar-B-Que chicken for Hawaiians, they have it down to a art and I failed miserably and will next time get burgers instead. Once at the food bank people were loading their packs to dangerous weights and then stuffed 5 gallon buckets (keeps critters out) strapped on top of those as well. It seems such a shock being on the island in 75 degree weather (winter time) coming from Alaska’s 25 degree weather. I seen things I only seen on TV and in pictures, I hung out with some really cool folks all just living the life. Annini Beach is sort of a 1/2 way house for those getting ready to go in or decompressing from Kalalau Valley. With a smidgen of locals who can camp/live there 60 days out of the year and a host of windsurfers, Para gliders, sun worshippers, people watchers and of course,…. yours truly. Went hunting after dark w/ headlamps at low tide for octopus, killing feral chickens that don’t know how to tell time and crow all day & night with simply a crate, rope and some crackers to lure them in. Allot of people said you shouldn’t eat them but my Dad once told me ” Son, if its got motor skills, its got protein. ” so I’m making Chicken Catchatorie, Chicken Enchilada slop, Chicken Soup, Chicken Gumbo, etc. which I made in a crock pot that was plugged in behind the bathroom (along with a coffee maker, hot plate and TV) and soon everyone was well fed and not to mention you didn’t hear as many chickens crowing anymore. I was boogy boarding, drinking beers, got my toes in the sand, chilling island stylee bra… ahhh cuz. I met pro surfer Bethany Hamilton who’s arm got bit off by a shark when she was 15, she’s still hot and kicking ass on the circuit. I met a stripper from Colorado named Anicha, who has these Angelina Jolie lips, green eyes and a voluptuous figure. We hit it off and hitchhiked to the Kalalau Trailhead.
Is probally,… no, MOST definitely the hardest trail I’ve ever hiked, even beyond difficulty of the South Rim of the Grand Canyon, 14,000 Mt Elbert in CO. or up El Capatain in Yosemite. It starts past He’ena at Ke’e Beach where the remnants of the old Hula Heiau remain that all the chosen girls from all islands who were fortunate enough to attend learned the art of Hula. I once seen a bunch of beautiful dark native girls and women run to the beach there where they all splashed each other in the ocean having a great time hooting and hollering then when the Sun was starting to set, they stopped waist deep and started singing this song in their tongue that sent shivers up my spine. I will take that song to my deathbed, it was gorgeous. The trail meanders through the rain forest that is thick and lush at times then clears out towards the coast with palm trees and tall grasses. the trail goes ever onward, upward, downward, inward and outward. Without weight on your back it will kick your ass, and if you say at the end of the trail it wasn’t that hard then you weren’t carrying enough gear. The Ocean is the bluest of blues and I am somewhat disoriented as I am on the northern most tip of the Hawaiian Chain so therefore when I look out to the water I am looking North up to Alaska instead of West as I was ingrained to believe growing up in Cali. The Humpback Whales were coming there to mate after summering up in AK’s cold nutritional waters and Spinner Dolphins play there as well. The hike into Hanakapiai is mile 2 and it is a gorgeous beach there and a waterfall up valley a few miles. But a 800 foot climb awaits those going onto Kalalau to Space Rock. People are supposed to have permits beyond this point but can only be purchased weeks in advance and for $15 a day, screw it. Space Rock is a huge old black rock out cropping that will have you gasping as you step over to its ledge that plummets its entirety to the crashing waves down below. it is here that you will first see the remote Na Pali Coastline wherein the Kalalau Valley lies and it is here that after much swearing and thrashing myself on the ground that I met a dready guy that lived in the valley named Bif. I thought I was going to die when I reached this point, Rick had sweat dripping off his beard in a stream and it was here that I thought of simply throwing myself off the cliff to the awaiting waves down below in order to just make it stop. But they pretty much all lied to me and said it was “easy going” from then on out, assholes. At mile 6 is a pavilion where allot of people camp overnight as few can make it with a full pack in one day. At mile 7 is the notorious “Crawlers” section called such that it is literally carved into the side of a sheer cliff that is 200′ straight from the Sea and only maybe three feet wide allot of people turn back here or crawl. After that its pretty much a cake walk(not really) to Red Dirt Hill and the Fluted Spires of the Kalalau or Mama Kala as She is referred to comes into view. Even though its only 6 miles away by boat from Ke’e, for the hiker it is a total of 5,000 feet vertical and a total of 11 miles in & out, up & down through mud, rock, dense over growth, and what ever else Mother Nature throws at you. There are the Bluffs, the Valley and the Beach camp areas where a assortment of campsites are located. There’s allot of people coming for different reasons like spiritual enlightenment, guidance, nature, warrants, etc. some are running too things while others are running away from things and others simply stay put as some have called Mama home for not years but decades. I wouldn’t say that there is a structured commune as reported out there as everyone is pretty much doing their own thing but they tend to hang out with others of the same mindset. When I 1st came in I had mostly camper pre- made packets of food and lots of meat. I ate it all soon and found myself with not much left for the rest of my time in there so was forced to go harvest fruit I really didn’t like or know what it looked like for that matter. Yeah I was one of those idiots the locals cant stand crawling up in the trees grabbing green bananas and the like of Guava, Papaya, Limes, Oranges, Tamarind and stuff. Always trying to catch a feral goat was our first month pursuit, well that and the hot ass naked chick on the beach. My Alaskan Friends Rick and Flea had been here for about a month ahead of me and introduced me to allot of folks out there but I was simply put, a stranger in a strange land. I was in a true paradise where at any moment amongst the cascading pools and lush tropical forest I was expecting a maintenance guy to come out from behind a fake tree and turn off the water ride, and tell me the park was closing, yeah it’s that beautiful. The people who have been here awhile mostly go out once every month or longer and buy bulk goods and dehydrated stuff, then pay to have a boat drop. I would soon find myself down these isles I used to shun as for those patchouli smelling dirty ass hippies yet I admit I learned to cook with foods like Quinoa, Couscous, Falafel, Coconut Oil, Blue Agave, & Cacao. I was baking breads and pizzas and cakes with improvised Dutch ovens made from whatever I could find. We ate meat rarely when available like wild goat chili provided by a dog named Koa, Boar Stew usually sent in by 8 mile Bill, Coconut Prawns from the creek, and once in awhile some fish Uncle T would catch. Uncle T has been out there I think for 20 years and is one of the patriarch’s out there who casted of society in exchange for a simpler life. He met a beautiful oriental Kiwi ( New Zealander) lady named Alise who specializes in holistic healing and spiritual guidance whether you want it or not. One time Tennessee had some bad stomach cramps and he asked her what he should do for it, thinking she was going to tell him some type of herbal remedy to consume but what he got instead was a situation where she was asking questions about his childhood and told that he had some work to do on his inner-child, I seen him walking back up to the Forbidden Forest where we had set up camp and he was damn near crying and wanted to be left alone. We drummed and danced well into the night, we laughed and frolicked on the beach with nothing but what God gave us to wear. We made cakes, salads and goulashes and what would become a ritual was the variety of ways in which you could do it with what you had available, I was fully impressed with what people were doing out there with what limited ingredients they had and was no less than fine cuisine. Everyday was a new adventure with new beautiful people coming and going. Boat drops, Helicopter landings, Bon Fires, Hula Hooping, Surfing and Naked Women everywhere……………I got gifted a Dodge caravan by one, that’s why I’m out now, Oh shit that’s a later story I got to get back in there, I don’t know when Ill come back out but I thought Id let you all know I’m cool man…………………. It inspired me to write the first song and accompanying music:
Flew into Lihue and hit the food bank, fell into Kappa and scored myself some dank,
You know I got high Lord, you know I got high…..
Got my mamas blanket and my daddy’s fishin’ line
You know I aint trippin cuz I aint doing time,
And time aint doing me no Lord, No… not me
I aint a fuckin hippy, Im not into new age
Yet you wonder why Im barefooted today
I didnt get taxed just got fucked up in Hanalei,
Its OK Lord. you know its OK……. Lord you know its OK…..
This place is old, extremely older than the other Hawaiian isles, some estimates are not only hundreds or thousands of years older but 10’s of thousands with the landscape nothing short of spectacular, the people beautiful. The Kalalau trail teaches you to be in the moment as one wrong foot placement can lead to death. The Na Pali Coast is old Menehune ( Ancient Civilization) and the ruins are strewn throughout the old terraces on cliffs that jut 4,000 feet above sea level. they call it Kalalau University for there is so much Mother Nature will teach and manifest for people, what they really need, not what they think, I’ve seen it with my own eyes. the people back there fell off from ” Babylon”(Outside World) years ago and live in a separate reality, I feel blessed and my only regret is that I know I should only visit for a short time for I feel as if I could spend the rest of my life here. Mangoes, Guavas, Lilikoi, Java plum, oranges, limes all nourish me, my soul is at ease…………….. I am blessed.Not to mention when Anicha and I hit the pools I suggested we take some nudes of her in this beautiful setting which she agreed, what a gorgeous day I will remember for ever.
Now that you have a “feel” for what is the setting, its the real deal I plan on writing about so prepare yourself, like one local told me.
” You going on one hell of a ride with me Fucka”
The Following is from my Journal I kept in there that lasted a total of
Six Months & Ten Days
Annini Beach has a collection of freaks, tramps, locals, shells, bikinis and a river to fjord across up to Princeville which is interesting at night on acid w/ Mud Skippin’ Tiger Sharks. High tide took out my tent. I lived off an Avocado tree I found, tent repair, stash shit. Church of the Pacific food bank is like a community center where you can catch up on the local gossip and load up on grub and hit on hippy chix. Met up w/ Rick, Tennessee & Sean who turn me onto St. Williams food bank and load up more food to take in Kalalau. Rice, Canned goods, cookies & other stuff that should be good.
Start trail head @ noon from Ke’e with packs loaded to the hilt 100lbs+. along w/ 5 gallon buckets full of more shit strapped onto those, we look ridiculous and people were take pictures of us and pointing. Oh God if I only knew what I was in for……
We made it in finally, I thought I was going to die and questioned why I brought in so much stuff. Millions of ants on my shit since I didn’t want to bring in a bucket. The Mango trees are HUGE!! I seen a couple of remnants of tree houses in them. Goat chase only leads to torment through dense bamboo and thickets from hell. Did find marijuana crop though, if I only knew where the hell I was. Naked sunbathing feels good on nuts. Terraces of old Menehune culture nothing short of Machu Pichu, they estimated that a culture of thousands lived back here long, long ago. Eating lemons and what I think is guava at least I hope its guava. Huge dragonflies, blue & green. Must lose everything in order to gain anything. Attacked by at least 5 different species of bugs noted by size of reaction on skin. I left rain fly open so tent is full of cockroaches, STAY on TRAILS!! I take off my shoes and try to walk like locals, killing me though. Uncle T sais the rocks only hurts as hard as you kick them and sais you need to feel the Earth between your toes for all She is trying to do is heal you.
Noni Bad. Its the weirdest looking fruit I have ever seen, sort of looks like a huge transparent maggot. Hippies will tell you its good for you, Hawaiians will tell you otherwise. I guess the women used to use it for their hair and skin and was called Hawaiian Birth Control since it smells so bad no guy wants to come around you. Well I was dared to take a bite and I was down, now mind you I have eaten some weird stuff in my day but nothing could prepare me for what this stuff tasted like, I wanted to cut out my own tongue and would dry heave for days after when I seen or smelled it. Yeah, that bad. I tincture & Superglue cuts to keep from staff which is in soil and water. OMG, everything bites, scratches, rips and burns. Made agreement with ants to clean up for rent since they aint going anywhere anyhow. It seems everyday is a chore to get wood, water, make fire which is frigging hard here in tropics, looking for elusive fruit trees, scout for place to live away from others. Found some greens to boil. People say I need to slow down, I’m all over this place looking, searching for I don’t know what, I cant sit still……….hungry.
My mending skills suck as I sewed my tent fly to myself. Met beautiful girl Olivia, Bo Derek look alike, nudity has a sense of innocence here. Quinten going away party cheesecake, I almost ate my fingers! Ocean can be playful like a child and enticing yet other times menacing and foreboding. I don’t know what’s harder to catch, these Erkels (Hawaiian Turkey) or these elusive Valley Girls who simply disappear into the jungle when I see them. I think I seen a girl from Girdwood here Mary Anne but she now calls herself some weird ass Earth name. It seems lot of people change their name in here to Sky, Gaia, Stardust, Ash or whatever…. I wonder what they think of mine? Mashed Powder Potatoes and Ant gravy for dinner, I broke off from the group on my own. Tent poles broke, but I fixed with branches and multi tool, I AM MAN! Toads the size of softballs sit on trail like Buddha. I hear you can lick them, Hmmmmm? There is a Phantom crapper in our midst who doesn’t seem to care where they squat, as horse size patties are around our camp & near drinking water. I have asked Rick to quit making so many pancakes for the drainbows.
Apparently its ok for 2 girls to hang out naked on beach but not ok for 2 dudes unless separated by a naked girl in between them. Pretty much its ok for naked chicks to do anything they want out here. She Power. Since being here I have noticed most of these hippy gals are A’ La Natural, down below.. whereas, I am now suffering from 3rd degree sunburns on afore mentioned shaved area (and you guessed it: using Noni to help pain) that now resembles the endangered Red Bottle Nosed Shrew. I curse that gal back in Alaska that suggested I shave in the first place. Holy Shit Big Ass Orb Spiders!! I almost jumped to my death off a cliff when I walked into one of their webs, I didn’t care. Tennesee setting snares for goats and now paints himself up like those kids in that movie Lord of the Flies, I’m a bit concerned about him. I’m down to around 185 or so, shorts wont stay on anymore, don’t use them anyhow. I weighed 220 when I left AK. Id kill for a IPA right now. Speaking of alcohol were gathering up Lilikoi and guava to make wine with sugar and yeast, but you got to squeeze a shit load of these damn things. Don’t do cartwheels naked. This place is like a dream, everyday gets better.
This one disheveled guy showed up wearing a full tunic & carrying a staff to Uncle T’s kitchen, He said:
” Hello I’m Jacob.”
I was like
” Holy Shit!
“I thought you were Fucking Jesus!!!,”
“I ain’t ready yet, I have so much more to do.”
He stared at me blankly w/ Barney Rubble like blank eyes. There was a moment of awkwardness then he said that he was told we would feed him, luckily for him I had some fried ants & roaches, one of my favorites.
He brought in some old lady that must have took a hit of some good shit in 68′ because all she did was stare at her feet and hum allot, bless her heart.
We called them Jesus & Mary. They simply fell on the ground and set up camp 20 feet away on the trail actually all they did was roll up in his tunic like a burrito. Me & Uncle T just sat there and stared at them in disbelief.
I guess we’ll have to wait on the second coming until tomorrow”
which was postponed three times the following day since they slept in late.
” Sorry folks”
I would yell as new hikers had to step around the dynamic duo,
“Second Coming has been rescheduled until noon!”
After they rose from the dead and wandered into oblivion I hung a sign where they lay it read:
Jesus & Mary slept here.
I met a beautiful girl in here (from all places) Fairbanks AK. her name is Heidi. Short blond hair, blue eyes great body and she’s just a sweetheart. Now unbeknownst to most people, I have had difficulty getting into the Ocean Surfing. Yeah Jaws fucked me up as a kid, that’s why I don’t bathe often. Anyhow, she had been coaxing me into the waves for some time and even though her scantly clad figure in her little booty shorts was of a great encouragement I was in self preservation mode. Finally after days of trying to get me beyond my naval into deeper water she made her move. One gorgeous starlit crescent moon night while on the beach she took me by my hand and said it was time…..
I sort of postponed it w/ every bullshit line I had in my quiver of delusions. Finally, she looked at me with a smile and let go my hand and walked away from me slowly allowing her sarong to glide down her body that stood out white amongst the silver reflection of the moon on the water, she then looked coyly back at me holding one of her breast, mockingly, and disappeared into the dark water & crashing waves. At that moment I swear to God that my Deceased Father reached down from above and slapped me upside my head for the next thing I know I’m diving butt ass naked into her awaiting arms and legs where we floated in the rip tide down the entire length of the beach, the 12 Sisters above (Fluted Mtn. Ridges) Smiled down at these passionate creatures below and the sharks gave us our privacy that night. Somewhere in the Deepness two Humpback Whales were also engaged with each other.
Jan. Something or another?
I am walking my toad Kermit on a leash as it produces more sweat to harvest for baking goods and oils, you should see the crystals on his back.. Ganja Cakes are a bit potent though as the beachers are staring at the Sun and allowing sand to drift through their fingers in amazement and glee, climbing trees, howling, laughing hysterically or running in shear panic. Breaching Whales, Rainbows, in the distance kiss the Ocean. Tennessee is still trying to kill Erkels ( Hawaiin Turkey) with his homemade crossbow that looks like Fred Flintstone himself designed, he is wearing war paint now. Sean is singing away with his guitar which attracts allot of girls to our fire. I just seen 3 guys in loincloths carrying spears run by, I thought I was hallucinating old spirits but one was wearing horn rimmed glasses, I think their going prawning. I cooked up a shitload of Lilikoi’s in the Milo Forest, smelled so good. Started a batch with 10 pounds sugar, yeast and around 4 gallons of cooked Lilikoi juice. Found a old water jug I cleaned out with boiling water and using a condom ( a precious item out here) over mouth to allow gas to expand but keep bacteria out. Its going to make a great wine I plan on sharing with everyone. Rick and crew moved up to the Outlaw pools and he’s been squeezing guava’s for a week solid. Brazilian Cardinals, White Rumped Shama’s, Turtle Doves are my friends…. and I enjoy their presence. The elusive Valley Girls have somewhat accepted me since I brought some homemade wheat Oatmeal Maple Bread I made to Lonnies birthday party. The girls are now doing Arts & Crafts on the Bluffs on Wednesdays, showing me how to weave cordage out of yucca and make baskets with beach sage, False Howe and Agave, Sierra sais I have learned fast & I was pretty amazed at the basket I made. I don’t know who Wilson is anymore…..( my miniature volleyball I found in Annini Beach)
As he has manifested into something I don’t recognize w/ nose ring, tattoos, 1,000 yard stare and doesn’t talk much anymore as he used to never shut up and was always on my back (clipped to my backpack)
Saved a dark hot ass little gal named Paloma twice now from being swept out to sea, I think she just likes watching me run naked, no one else even tries they just all yell for me and I’ll come crashing from out of wherever the hell I’m at. We went to Queens Bath ( A huge lava shelf that has a huge pool in it that crashing waves fill and it ebbs and flows and catches beautiful Tropical Fish) the day of the Non-Tsunami and waited for the Big Wave to catch 10 x 1,ooo. it never came but we had a blast skinny dipping with sea turtles. She’s so damn nice, I don’t even want to hit on her.
I’m still running around crazy throughout the valley.
If Uncle T wants me to check on something way the fuck up valley, I’m there.
“Hey Panman, we could use some thing or another up by the Labyrinth” Bam! I’m gone.
Oh my God, Crystal’s Ass should be immortalized in Marble. Is like a upside down Heart.
The push up to Space Rock (highest point on the Kalalau trail) is only 800′ above sea level but with its switchback and forth, in & out of valleys with razor weed cutting and slicing your arms and legs you’d swear it was more. The trail around here is usually greasy with mud, I was on my way out to get provisions ( yeah it was the 1st) the weather was hot & humid and I had a good clip going. When I got to the top I took off my pack at the huge monolith known as Space Rock and climbed around it to an outcropping overlooking a straight drop to the crashing surf below where whales and dolphins can usually be spotted. As I came around the rock I was set aback by the vision of a gorgeous ice blue eyed blond sunbathing topless. I went to leave not wanting to bother her (obviously now used to seeing naked women everywhere) when she leaned up on one elbow and asked me if I’d like to smoke a bowl with her, you know me. When she put one hand to her face to block the Sun from her eyes I could see they were dilated and she had a perfect wide white smile. She also had tiny freckles on her nose and her breast were much whiter than the rest of her body with soft pink nipples, compared to the rest of her body they stood out. I tried to lock onto her eyes as we talked and smoked being mindful not to stare at her tits as they heaved up and down with each breath she inhaled off the pipe. She wore these cute little Daisey Duke jean cutoffs and no shoes and she introduced herself as Bree.
We sat up there talking about whatever and enjoyed each others company. I think we split an Orange as we talked about the valley. She wanted to hike in and look for this handsome tall red headed guy she met outside and said he lived in there and asked if I knew him, I didn’t. She wasn’t sure if she could make it alone, I told her she should go in if it was calling her and I would escort her if she wanted. She looked at me the way someone looks at you when they’re trying to read you. I said my pleasantries and told her I had to go even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.
A few days later I was hitch’n my way back in from shopping in Hanalei when a maroon Dodge Caravan pulled over and as I ran up to the door I recognized that smile and those eyes as she piped
” Pan? You going back in?”
“Yep” I replied.
“You wanna ride bro?”
“Sure” I said.
I threw my backpack in the rear sliding door and jumped in hoping I didn’t smell to funky. She was coming from a Yoga class and was driving to get some spring water up by He’ena which is near the trail head. She was somewhat quirky and vibrant like unspent energy and in her enthusiastic state of mind she went on to tell me how she came from California to work on her Mind, Body and Soul.
As we drove on she kept looking over at me in some peculiar way that made me feel strange, then she’d ask these off the wall questions about me, like my birth date and wanted know more about me. This went on for a few miles and she said she wondered why I came into her life, I said I didn’t know but I was sure I could come up with something, she laughed at that. We made it to the spring and got the best water I ever tasted. It was very refreshing and that moment was poignant for some reason I cant explain. Then she drove me to the trail head and she asked if she could hike in with me to Hanakapiai Beach,
I said “sure.”
I remember my 5000 ci backpack was stuffed to the brim and close to 80+ pounds as it was my 1st bulk item purchase. I learned from the hippies that instead of buying pre made ready meal packets that if you bought staples like flour, sugar, coffee, rice, dehydrated beans, humus, quinoa, and oats it could go further. It was in sharp contrast to what Bree had on, simply shorts and a tank top, people laughed at us as we climbed that old black rock, she jumping barefooted from rock to rock, me cursing every step in pain.
We got to Hanakapiai in a few hours give or take whereas you have to cross the rapids on foot to make it over to the beach. This is where tourist usually congregate and can barely make it across without getting swept out to sea due to the rapids and it was here that I simply bounded across the rocks like a leopard to the other side & let my backpack drop to the sand. Bree started doing these incredible yoga positions on this huge boulder. Her belly had just enough of a paunch to enhance her delicate yet strong beauty, her legs were lean and I thought I was in heaven when she arched her back and tightened her ass holding these poses for what seemed forever with the waves crashing around spraying her with mist.
We ate a quick lunch hugged and kissed and said goodbye and spoke of when the time would be right for her to come in. Unknown to me at the time it would be the last time I would see her. As I headed up that long trail I stopped and spied on her from above as she stepped like a deer through the river staring in wonderment of the passing ripples with those what I knew to be, dilated ice blue eyes.
Nikki See Nikki Do-
So I’m slowing down a little bit getting to know the valley and its inhabitants. There’s a place where people go to bathe and I was on my way to do so when I seen Gila in the pool I usually went to so went around to another where I came around the bend and hear_
“PAN?! Holy Shit dude, you cut your hair!”
“Almost 2 years ago” I said running my hands though my blond tipped do.
It was my friend Nikki See whom I knew from Girdwood AK. and taught how to fish @ Bird Creek for Coho Salmon years before. We got caught up and I invited her over to the Milo Forest where I was staying since it was full of phantom camps ( empty tents people used as staging areas for boat drops) No body ever was there I loved it. My closest neighbor was Bif over by his garden which he spent most his time in weeding in the buf.. She is probably 6’2″ if not bigger and is a good looking blond Amazon I always thought about. Weird huh? To bad she brought her boyfriend, whatever. They kicked it with me for about a week and she asked me if I would like to come out and stay with them at the Hanalei Bay Resort for a night or two and party,
“Hell Yeah” I said.
While we were out I stopped by the Farmers market and seen Paloma who I met in the valley. She introduced me to a fucking HOT AS HELL blond girl from Cali named, of course…Summer. She worked with her at Marys Farm. OMG! She had a figure that could conquer Nations & She was so God damned beautiful I had to be with her. I soon found myself inviting them over the the resort as if it was my own for some drinks and hot tub action. It was like Baywatch. We rocked that swimming pool area with waterfalls and coconut trees. 1/2 Naked Coconut Oil rubdowns on lawn chairs, Pinna Colada’s, Rock Star status.
Within 24 hours unbeknownst to me the girls would all be gone and I would wake up in a jungle with no shoes, backpack or clue to what happened. I sort of remember from the night before being at a bar called the Tahiti Nui and drinking w/ Tennessee after the pool debauchery, so I went over there since it was across the street anyhow. I went in there looking for my wallet and backpack but it was closed so I stood outside sweating, shaking and looking like death. While I was experiencing DT’s some other guy walked up looking for his beach cruiser he left there as well, we stared off into space trying to recollect what had happened the night before, after coming up with nothing between the two of us he asked what I was looking for. I told him my backpack.
He said ” Hey I just seen one in a yard when I was walking up here, I thought it looked weird just sitting there”
As I went to investigate a couple pulled up in a car I didn’t recognize acting like they knew me
“Yo dude Howzit?”
I stared at them blankly licking my parched ass lips ” cool” was all I could get out.
“Yo man, are you looking for your shoe?”
“Why as a matter of fact, yes, ….YES I am.”
“You left it in our car last nite…” then they handed me someone else’s right shoe.
I found my backpack but no wallet.
So I lost my shoes and the bar didn’t have my wallet with my UT. drivers license, AK. EBT card, HI. library card which I searched for days to no avail. FUCK!
So I was pissed broke and barefooted. Decided to go into Valley demoralized and broken. As I was hiking back in, people stared at me and pointed whispering
” Look its one of those people that live back there in the valley.”
One guy asked if he could take a picture of me and asked me how I hiked on that trail barefooted.
” Fuck Off Man, I aint no Hippy or New Age Type, I just got fucked up in Hanalei and lost my shit!”
As I stated Mama Kala is a magical place and you need to eat seven Vervane blossoms going in to get into that state of mind and must break through 12 Spider Webs in order to get out of that state of mind. ( A forthcoming story soon) It said right in the Aloha Song, “I ain’t a fuckin’ Hippie and I ain’t into New Age” but I seen some shit back there I have no explanation for. Like for instance by far the most alluring is the power of Manifestation.
One has to be careful when making wishes back there because Mama will take your wish into account but may give you something else within the wish you made which makes for interesting combinations, Case in Point the following:
As I crept up to the Giants Ladder with a huge backpack on my back, a drop dead curvaceous blond named Summer standing on top, screaming-
“Pan! Fuck Yeah!” This trip doesn’t suck anymoreeeeeeeeeeee!”
I ran up to her and grabbed her close and tight.
“I told you I’d find you” I slurred.
She told me of her hell trip out here with her girlfriends Lyndsy & Flo, from Mary’s Farm ( Kala Lau 1/2 way house) in a full on down pour. Lyndsy looked like the girl next store and Flo was a curly-sue firecracker. They had many trials & tribulations along the way and their feet were tore up from wearing Chacos (open feet sandals) and all had developed blisters which broke and were rubbed raw. It was bad. With the encouragement of Uncle T, I soon found myself on my knees tending to their medical needs, not to mention sneaking a beaver shot or two while I was at it…..
Mama Kala Journal Entries:
I asked Mama for some hot ass women, OMG did I ever get them. After these gals from Mary’s Farm pulled in I gathered em’ up (much to the dismay of the Honeymoon Suite boys) and tended to their wounds and somehow became a slave to the fire pit I built & fired up in the Milo Forest that had previously been abandoned, full of only Phantom Camps. The smell of “Puni” must have been in the air sweeter than Lilikoi Wine for next thing I know, guys just showed up hanging around the area tightening tarps, slack lining, making broken surf board furniture and it somehow morphs into a “Community Kitchen”. I also became curator, cook, firewood gatherer, water boy, nurse and entertainment. All the while Marys Farm girls are being offered gifts as if they were from the heavens above, God knows they were blessed with attributes Ill leave to your imagination but Jesus Fuckin Christ where did all these guys come from? Their tents would somehow appear the next morning having magically being erected in the wee hours of the night. Some didn’t even have tents they were curled up outside the girls tent or near the fire. Reminding me of the never ending battle that a spawning salmon must endure to keep younger “rouges” from trying to fertilize the receptive females red. I would be escorting one guy out and three more would be crawling, rappelling or swimming into camp. I guess you cant blame a brother for trying but Holy Shit, its a full days work out chasing these fucka’s, but then I got to thinking ” if these guys want to bask in all these women’s beauty then their going to have to earn it” and in turn I delegated chores to one and all. It made all the time in the world for the girls and myself to go to the beach since they couldn’t walk far. After awhile the girls even got into it stacking firewood and breaking of twigs and others showed up hanging out playing music, acting out movies, bringing food they harvested, playing cards, wood carving, cooking went from coffee into full on breakfast into lunch and dinner and then some, where we all took turns cooking. Everyone had their own specialty and Paloma’s fruit pancakes were always a big hit. She could be a model dark enough to pass for Hawaiian but was from Texas. I had to keep the girls on a tight leash as they were prone to ending up disrobed in a variety of places. Helping Summer shower beneath the waterfall with her barbed Double D’s I’m sure is still etched in the back of my skull, even though all I did was hold the PVC pipe for her to get those hard to reach places. We would go to the beach and I would always have a camera handy to get some shots of people living the dream and it wasn’t without hesitation that I asked the girls to do some poses for me much to their dismay and constant badgering. One day though they gave in and people walking by stared in disbelief as I’m shouting directions out to them ” Slam that Hip!, Get Wet!!, More Curves!!!, Throw your Hair!!!!, etc. etc. Ultimately I filled a 4 G card with beautiful nudes,.. only to later lose that camera, ah cant dwell on it.. Life’s a Beach. But Ill admit it was hard to live with for awhile. Who am I kidding? I still wake up crying about all those photos…..Fuck.
Soon though I was burnt out on the circus that was created in the Milo forest and the girls ran me ragged during they’re stay, besides I needed another camera and was willing to use my last bit of cash to get a waterproof one with a 8 G card this time and besides Lonnie needed a Mule to go out.
When I got out I thought Id give Bree a shout out and called her from some friends cell just in the knick of time as she said:
“PAN?! Holy Shit Dude, I’m at the airport now and I met this most amazing yoga instructor and I’m following him to Big Sur California, he’s gorgeous..”
“great”… I thought.
“Hey, do you want my van?” she said.
“what?” I said.
“Well hold onto it or sell it or whatever, Ill leave the keys on the tire its in the Lihue airport parking lot, I gotta go, love you!”
click. that was it, just like that.
So there I am kickin’ it with all these other tramps at the Hanalei Center picnic bench’s and tell them I got to hitch a ride to Lihue to pick up a van that was gifted to me. Everyone looks at me like I’m bullshitting them. Paloma looks at me with her big brown eyes and sais
“Damn, Pan, whad’a you do in a past life?”
Then Bobby said
” Hey I’m driving that way but have to stop and see Larry & Rich @ Kapa’a Beach,”
and hands me a bottle of tequila.
I remember getting to the beach where we drank more tequila and some vodka provided by Rich & Larry, two old school Kalalauns. Rich who is very talented played his guitar and fed me saying I looked staffy. These two guys were wary of me when I first went into Mama but now were friendly enough and were great entertainment. After swimming at Kealia beach we made our way to Nahiliwili Taven where we drank some IPA’s and watched the Superbowl. I think, that well after that Bobby reportedly dropped me off @ the Lihue Airport where I for no reason promptly and for no apparent reason threw my backpack off into some bushes and proceeded to look for Bree’s van. Now I’m fucked up mind you, not knowing where it was parked in the lot. After what was probably a few hours I found the van and then realized that my backpack was missing. I went to security who said they had seen it but left it where it was…. yeah after 911 I doubt it. Local Tax #1. It had my passport and my camera full of nudes from Anicha, Summer, Flo, Lydsay, Paloma not to mention the rest of my trip. I was crushed and contemplated running myself over since I now had a new van. If someone wanted to try and assume my identity GOOD LUCK brother, I’ve been trying to get someone to take over mine for years.
Had to register as Hawaiian resident to get a ID so I can fly off island someday, which Im sure will fuck with my AK. PFD.
I got gifted a 1997 Dodge Caravan that is in great condition, painted maroon with blacked out windows. There is no rear seat and a mattress in the back, a ac inverter with a hot plate and coffee maker. Weird ass hippie shit art inside and a cassette deck with a old Devo tape in it. As I pulled back into Hanalei I seen the silhouettes of 6 people walking down the streets with 5 gallon buckets, who else could it be but the Kalalau gang preparing for a boat drop. I pulled slowly up to them blasting ” Whip It”, everyone was like “Holy Shit!!” and without even asking I got a van full of funk ass smelling hippies. Bif, Rick, E, Flea and Blue all patting me on the back as we drove down to meet Burt at Black Pots and party the fuck down.
Next morning the boat arrives and we load it up but not before E realizes he’s lost 10 grams of hash which we all drop to our hands and knees scouring the driftwood strewn sand, coincidently driftwood looks uncannily like hash. Needless to say, it was never found.
“If it weren’t for losers there’d would be no winners.”
My coach would always say.
I drove everyone to the trail head and was thankful I didn’t have to hike in since they all were hung over and looked like hell.
I went to Mary’s farm to find the girls after a few days of driving around the island. When I got there I found that they too had developed a staff infection from their wounds being exposed to dirt which they generously shared with me since I was tending to their wounds. So I drove us all to the hospital where we got our pills and stuff and I jumped on one of those scales, I about shit when it read 169 lbs. No fuckin way, it must be broke but the nurse assured me it was working just fine, I lost 50 lbs. in 2 months. I haven’t weighed that since Jr. High School! I took the girls on a shopping spree at the Free Store, a store where everything was free, no shit. Quinten once went in there and the guy made him shower before getting free cloths. We also hit up the Salvation Army and rallied every food bank from Lihue to Kapa’a where the girls tried on every top and bottom in the hall much to the enjoyment of the owner. I also turned them onto Vicky at the Outreach Center where you could use her phone, has job leads and food. She’s really nice. I cancelled my passport and tried to get ahold of surviving members of my family to send ID. Jesse in AK. found my temporary UT. D.L. and sent that with my phone ( which I lost last winter up Crow Creek, totally different story) Got ahold of Alameda County Recorder and request Birth Cert. Used Mary’s Farm address.
Sometime late Feb early March ?
Panman Kalalau Escort Sherpa Services
Well the saga continues, I just picked up Paloma with two hotties named Mimi & Lizzie. Lonny came out with me and were all going to the other side of the island to a 17 mile stretch of beach called Polahale. Im reading Hunter S. Thompson’s “The curse of Lono” about his time on Hawaii. Lizzy is 20 years old with these legs that go all the way to her ass, green eyes, short wavy brown hair rosy cheeks and an infectious laugh.
Mimi is a cute redhead that dances with her shadow in the most alluring of ways. Her & Lonnie hooked up quick and I’m trying my best with Lizzie. Since Lonnie’s Mom found him we have all been lost, we have been drunk for days. Got deluged on at the Sea Lodge where I lost the keys to the van but Paloma found them. I am having difficulty articulating words, Jimi still rocks, KOA van Hookup for block of cheese. I have no sense of time.
wait at least 1/2 hour between taking hits of acid of unknown origin to experience results of psychosis!! I hope I’m not driving,……… whoa! what was that?
Drunkass Lonnie challenged a 5 year old to a fight in the hot tub at some club house I have no idea who lives here. I’m hitting on two different chicks at the same time one being afore child’s mom and another I’m sure was born before the turn of the last century.
From there its not all that clear but the van looks like ground zero.
Empty Beer, wine and Rum Bottles everywhere, scattered smidgens of marijuana, 5 different peoples underwear, food, hygiene and birth control products from every food bank, salvation army, church, and outreach centers on this side of the island. Can goods of questionable age, stale cookies, smashed top ramen, cereal, etc. We stop in on the beach house and meet a variety of characters. Paloma volunteers here and introduces me to Denise and Cheyenne, ooh-la-la. I witness a guy getting stabbed at the park right next to me for making fun of some guys pink beach cruiser.
I have come to realize that while nearing my birthday I am inexplicably drawn to 20 something year old women which simply leads to frustration. I started smoking cigarettes when I ran out of weed and since tobacco grows wild, I am ashamed since I detest people that smoke its a character flaw as far as I’m concerned, what a hypocrite. I have only one week to purchase a discount plane ticket back to Alaska and have been unable to convince any woman to do so for me. I have only drugs and no cash left. On a more positive note Lizzie shows promise of giving in to my advances….. she’s passed out.
Fuck! I should make these bitches walk to the trail head but I feel obligated. God damn these chickens never shut the fuck up! I wake up everyday with someone else’s body part on me, I think I was grinding on Lonnie’s Mom, who I thought was Lizzie, dammit. Were wearing and recycling each others clothes. Were here at the beach house hostel in Kapa’a now where everyone seems like a junkie, tweeker or kickin’ Oxi or whatever. Finally got a shower after god knows how long. The interior of the van is like an archeological dig with different layers of time frozen from when it was smashed beneath another layer of yet another hitch hiker, vagabond or runaway. I need to get back in the valley before I lose my mind. .
The whole gang has imploded on itself, Lonnie’s Mom has what apparently looks like a nervous breakdown which has had a ripple effect on the rest of us in our tattered sense of reality. The van has a million scratch marks along the side from rallying it on the back roads of Polahale and there is what seems to be a 13 ball etched into the hood, I cant seem to discover the origin of that ungodly odor, I wouldn’t even know what to look for living or dead. We are reduced down to $1.53 in small change between all of us, about 15 packets of mustard and taco sauce, 3 different parts from 5 different tents hold the side doors closed, undisclosed baggies of who knows what and an incurable foot puncture since I was walking around barefooted thinking my dog like foot pads would protect me from a Kavanee thorn that actually popped one of the tires as well. We decide to kick it @ Salt Ponds w/ Uncle Roy and just relax on this side of the island for a bit. It’s so different from the other side being much drier. I sat up on a bluff looking at the Orange-Red Sunset over the bay as the Moon was rising with lavenders and purple hues behind me, such a strange place in time in between night and day, darkness and light. Surreal to say the least. I lost my shoes weeks ago which I no longer need along with all my underwear. ( Which I have never worn to this day). My hair looks like a frigon blond oompa loompa, fragglerock and Grandpa Munster cross over that stands straight up on end like I’m receiving 15 million giga watts therapy treatment. Im drinking Rum……..its 9am.
This was written by Mimi:
PAN is the voice of adventure. Every bunch needs such an animated character to drive the hippy van and regulate the alcohol. Thank God for that crazy hair and stunning smile not to mention that tan skin that absorbs coconut oil as we sit by the waves and sun bathe. Pans favorite band is Devo.
“You shouldn’t park in the handicapped spot” the sign said.
“We’ve been drinking for 2 hours now, we ARE handicapped.” his reply.
You are meant to meet certain people on your journey and Diary this is the best one yet, his wit astounds me, but he is still obnoxious.
Its my birthday. I have a sun bleached Mohawk now that stands at least a foot high. A Hawaiian brother asked me what fuckin tribe I was from, I said the Fuckarewe Tribe. We roam the planet wondering where the fuck are we? he laughed said I was alright, invited me up to his place where we ate like kings and I met some people I want on my side. My breath stinks as well as my nuts. There’s an ant colony living in the van. I woke up with blood and feathers all over me and a dead owl hanging from my rear view mirror as well as 5 lighters in my pockets. I need to sell this van, its illegal to car camp. A ranger banged on my door the other morning and asked what I was doing, I said sleeping… he looked at me like I was stupid and said
“No your not!’
I said “ok after he chewed my ass then for,… you guessed it….sleeping.
I smoked all the weed with all these girls who are now gone. I’m a terrible dealer since I party to hard. I am also a lousy Sherpa as well since I have failed to bring in booze to the valley boys not once but 4 times!. 1st time I drank the bottle of royal crown I was to get for Sean before I even started the trail with you guessed it a Hottie I met on the trail and then I drank the replacement bottle by Hanakapai so I turned around shitfaced mind you and went back out and got some Hana Bay Rum rot gut since I spent all the money and from what I was told Daniel-san found me passed out on the trail wrapped in a garbage bag in the rain covered in cream cheese. I guess I thought someone would pack me out or in thinking I was garbage. I don’t know man, I held onto his belt since I didn’t have a headlamp to six mile where I finished the bottle with Magic & Rebbeca. I have failed my Goat Clan. I have also been hanging with, Aliki and Uncle Jon in Annini. This place is crazy. I picked up Wayne, Sean and Bif seems so long ago I knew them. I need to go back in before Babylon kills me. I cant spend any more money or I’m doomed. No way off island.
Forget how good I have it with the van, 4 months ago I was stashing shit in bush’s, packing ridiculous amounts of gear on my back…even though my stuff is still hopefully back in the valley I think I somehow have less. Girls are all gone and I have limited funds to afford gas & oil which it consumes like I do alcohol. It keeps me out slinging herb but everyone out here is broke too. I don’t know if Im excited to see anyone back there. Don’t know who to trust out here with van. Shits getting Lame. I guess I could go deeper into the valley Box Canyon or Spirit Ridge but I don’t want to hike all my shit from the beach up there.
So I’m broke and I drive to Black Pot Beach to chill, blasting my one and only Devo tape when I look in my rear view mirror and see this guy dancing all weird towards me, I’m thinking
“Fuck man, I don’t need this right now”
He’s all covered in tattoos that look strangely familiar and he comes up to my window whereas I then recognize him as Anthony Kiedis, front man from the Red Hot Chili Peppers! I’m like,..
and I’m like
“Dude, you cant just walk up on mother fuckers like that man!”
and he’s like
and I’m like
I don’t know what to say, then he breaks the ice as I’m star struck for the 1st time since Ice T kicked me in the head at the Warfield opening for Soundgarden in 92′. He’s like
” Man, I love this song by Devo…. Gates of Steel, right?”
I was like
“Want me to rewind it?”
He looked at my cassette deck like I was back from the future …. I jumped out and showed off the PANVANDO which was now looking like it had just completed the Dakar rally in Africa or the Watts Riots in 66′. I told him the story of Bree and my time in Kalalau, he looked into my eyes like Bree did, sort of made me nervous and asked
” Is it real man?”
I told him my testimony of what I had seen out there, he looked genuinely interested. Never once did I ask or mention anything about the band or music for that matter even though I wanted to tell him I seen him in Detroit in 1986 during the height of big hair and everyone Boo’d them but I dug them, then at the COW PALACE in S.F, when Life sex she magic was the shit, and then when they wore those huge light bulbs on their heads in Lolapalooza in 97′ but I didn’t, we sat there shooting the shit about his kid who was out surfing way the fuck out there at 6 years old! He talked about his house he was building and he introduced me to his girlfriend and asked me if I surfed. I wanted to say
“Fuck yeah I surf!”
but I couldn’t lie and said no, he looked at me like I was joking and I told him I was afraid of sharks. He laughed then told me there was nothing to be afraid of “SHE” would take care of me…. we talked more about Kalalau and I told him the Dali Llama (who he met) came to Kauai and said that Kalalau is where the souls exit the world,…. then we said goodbye and his girlfriend gave me a sweet smelling red blossom and as he drove away I remembered I had something I could give him and chased his rig down banging on the side, he stopped looking at me like
It was one of the Owl Claws I had in my van, he looked at me and knew the significance of it. (Messenger from the Other side) I was on the most natural high I ever knew for the rest of that day and left the van with Marys Farm girls and went back into where I belonged…. KALALAU.
I’m back in Kalalau, everyone was stoked to see me, the Bluffies came down to a potluck Uncle T threw for me and even those elusive Valley girls came down with fresh picked salads and homemade breads, they said I looked like hell worn over. I felt like it, they all paid me lots of attention and asked me what I had done out there in Babylon. I caught them all up & told them ” Remember what I said about manifestations? Well I wanted some hot ass women and I got em’, but it didn’t turn out the way I thought it would but it taught me. it was the same with that van, I thought I needed it and yes it was cool having it but ultimately I went broke because of it and nearly lost my freedom and mind, now you might be thinking well he’s a dumbass and cant control himself and I will agree with you in part as when it comes to mind inducing chemicals and alcohol it seems my thermostat is broke but it is what it is”. They looked at me suspiciously but let it slide, to the other side….
It was a whirlwind out there man, only 1/3 of what I have written in fear of getting myself or others into trouble. O’ I learned allot out there but what it is like in here I cant convey, its just a feeling. Even though it is a magical place with everything you can wish for it also is a place where people have to interact with each other and deal with each other its no Utopia. and there’s ICE in Paradise man, Ill tell you it ain’t no joke but beneath it all its what you make it, there’s a lot of good and bad everywhere and I admit I don’t get along with everyone and everyone don’t like me. So what Life goes on don’t make an issue out of it. Growing up in Oakland as a kid I was to white then when I moved to Salt Lake I was to dark, In Michigan my hair was to long I never seemed to get it right so one day I said fuck it and quit living for others and started living for myself. I guess that’s what Family sort of teaches you in a strange way, to get along with those you don’t necessarily like or want to be around, maybe unconsciously that’s why I travel and put myself in these situations, to overcome my own preconceptions of what is real…… I must be detoxing.
I have a pet cockroach named Pepe’, he’s earning his keep as he keeps the others in check, I just hope Bif doesn’t eat him as he likes to do from time to time, showing off for tourist for a shot of whiskey. I’ve still yet to be able to meditate, as when I’m trying to stop thinking I’m thinking of that cramp in my leg or that hot ass chick I can smell from 20 feet away or the fact that I’m trying to tell myself not to think about her and popping’ a boner as she bring her right leg over her left shoulder. I’m good at it when I’m sleeping and that’s good enough for me. High Surf Warning Today so No Boat Drop. Maybe A Spiritual Pizza day w/ Alise and the Shamrock Girls. That means more wood gathering, God damn hippies keep burning it for their Pagan rituals…… Going to the Sea Caves today might not be a good idea but oh well. I found basket weaving is the closest I can get to meditating, I love Sierra. She’s lived out here since her Dad Rich brought her out here and is Amazing. She has a on again off again relationship with a guy named Ben, he’s a character and all the ladies adore him. In fact he’s the guy Bree was talking about. He said we were going to eat fish & chips and we went down to the beach where we gathered up old dead dried up crabs on the rocks, that was the chips and you know what? They weren’t all that bad and a great source of something I’m sure, like maybe sea lice. He likes to take care of the community garden with Sierra and I have to make it a point to get up there and help out. Lonnie has a feud going on with him over Sierra, so while their keeping themselves busy fighting over her I just hang out and weave baskets with her.
4:20 Morning Show
I just had the most wonderful morning with Iya at the Morning Show Pancake Hut where the Kalalau River spews into the Ocean with Tague, Bruce and the boys making all kinds of pancakes. I love those guys….. all of then are talented musicians playing mandolins, guitars, ukes, drums whatever. Lefty Louie encourages Tague to flip countless cinnamon raisin pancakes, peanut butter pancakes, mixed fruit pancakes, chocolate chip pancakes, it goes on & on & on along with the accompanying music. I met them at Black Pots surf spot trying to sell them the van before I even had a title for it. Its Iya’s 25th Bday, she surfed naked all day and even saved a boat from going out to sea, some dumbass lost. We took pics of her beneath the waterfall that fell over her like a never ending kiss and she hula hooped well into the night at the potluck in the firelight. I’m blessed to have met her.
Now is Now
Sand Art Chesire Cat Moon Smile
Lizzie (Thoroughbred Sandytits) is back in,,,she asked me:
“Pan,…Why do my legs hold power over you?”
Really?…………. I thought.
She wouldn’t sleep in my tent cuz of the cockroaches so we spent the night on the beach and got ate by fleas.
Kalalau’s Most Unwanted:
Now albeit that self proclaimed mayor of Kalalau, Ronnie did some great things for the community back in the day but now he and his crazy ass girlfriend Annie since having been impeached by AA and Santiago have weaseled their way back into the beach camp just in time for breakfast, lunch and dinner @anybody’s camp but as of late the Pancake Hut. Its a tragic story really, Ronnie survives off of unsuspecting newbies coming in buying into all his BS where he’ll say in his Boston accent
“Im the Mayor, free up your food for the family”
All the while his demented bitch is rifling through your shit. I thought of putting up a sign based on the ones you see in national parks:
“Please do not feed the Mayors”
If Kevin didn’t have the goat killing dog KOA I don’t know what or how he would survive back there as he is a Drainbow Deluxe. I mean he’s a nice enough guy but e walks around always asking for coffee, cookies, pizza, crumbs, etc. I may sound callous but have you ever heard of enabling people to continues with a certain type of behavior by giving them handouts? yeah. Not to mention when it comes to unsuspecting girls that come out to the valley he’s like
“Your planets are out of alignment and all I need to do is massage you and straighten you out with the energies of mars in your anus bla bla fuckin bla all the while he’s lickin his lips and parting hers while their dumbfounded…… and since I’m on the subject of Drainbows:
Nothing is more disturbing than a fat ass old hairy hippy fuck playing Frisbee or hula hooping in the nude.
Griz is another piece of work, a 4 year old trapped in a worn out body always yelling out this ridiculous bear call-
“Arghhhhh I’m the Griz!! Arggghhwwaaa!!
Its the same deal every potluck.
“Look at me I can hula hoop!”
Then Ronnie the ex mayor will get jealous since Griz is getting all the attention and will start playing his flute so God Damned loud its making Whales beach themselves in disorientation. Its like watching two kids fight over Mom’s attention. There’s old Griz hula hooping his ass off and Ronnies almost blowing out his remaining teeth, all the while Annie is going through someone’s tent and Kevin starts slowly touching a young girls leg.
The Soap Opera-
As the World Burns.
None of these ass holes ever bring anything to a potluck and are the first in line to eat eating more than their share. As Uncle T sais before every meal
“Women and Children First”.
I need to go up valley as the very people who said they were my freinds said they would look out for my shit when I was out, robbed me. Hey! Rick I’d light your tent on fire then beat it out with a club when your still in it you piece of shit leach mother fucker who stoled my wine and drank it before it was even ready, what a fuck wad. Your lucky your Aleki’s Beach Bitch’.
People who say they are fasting just cant start a fire.
Drinking Mrs. Butterworth straight.
I’ve gotten word that Marys girls have been rallying the van and doing things in it I can only dream about and coming from me that would make the Vatican self fuckin’ implode on itself. So I got to go back out before they totally destroy it, Even though the family doesn’t want me to go… but I told Bree I would at least TRY and sell it. I haven’t the heart to tell her about the condition it’s in but maybe she’ll read about this in a blog or book or front page in a criminal report someday and forgive me. When I got out I had to hitch hike to Marys Farm since they weren’t returning my calls and was passed by Summer in the van packed full of people, she didn’t even slow down. Really?….. What did I expect from a bunch of hot ass party girls?. After hours of waiting on them I befriend a dready gal named Gracie there and when the van finally got back the interior was in even worse condition and it makes weird noises which I believe is the now shot cv joints, thanks girls., love ya.
So, there’s a casting call for the new ” Pirates of the Caribbean” movie
“On Stranger Tides”
whereas it said in the newspaper:
“Emaciated authentic scavenger types needed. Missing teeth and limbs a plus.”
@ the Lihue War Memorial Convention Center.
So, I being of the entrepreneur mindset rallied forth the vagabonds to leave the valley in such numbers, as to sally forth into Babylon and stake our claim unto the big screen. I would shuttle people from the trailhead to Annini Beach where we would all converge in a show of force unseen since the late 70’s… they’ll probably send in National Gaurd. I planned to hike out the next morning.
As I was leaving the valley floor I heard a commotion by the Bluffs and went to go check out what was happening. Someone ran up to me.
“PAN! Oh my GOD!!… she did it!….. She FUCKIN did it!”
I was numb as I knew who they were talking about, it could only be her………Olivia.
Some weeks prior allot of the women folk got sick of all the dudes hitting on them 24/7 and retreated to the Goddess camp where men were not allowed. What they did there was of there own free will and many took to cleansing rituals which involved fasting. Olivia, that beauty with her voluptuous body, golden hair and wild nature took it a step further by only drinking a mix of honey, Cheyenne pepper. & water for weeks on end. No body could approach her as she was on a vision quest that she was steadfast too and very few could understand or accept. Her behavior became erratic and she was becoming more and more violent and unpredictable but as I said earlier a hot ass naked woman can do anything she wants to back here.
She had earlier been acting irrational with those she knew and trusted and they became concerned about her, she was trying to cleanse herself holistically from the ravaging effects of a staff infection which had now produced a 7 inch wide gaping oozing sore on her calf, she was simply fucking toxic. She was last seen speaking to Angels and/or Demons and in a display of sheer lunacy she did not only jump from the 300 foot cliff wall of the Bluff encampment but from all accounts of those who saw her said she leapt like a cat fighting what ever possessed her at the time.
When I looked over the cliff I was amazed to see her still alive…….G and AA ran down cliff like a men possessed themselves but had to go way around to get to her and try and calm her, she was busted up bad. We all stood on the cliff yelling for her to stay still as she tried to stand on a compounded fractured leg, it was sickening to see her collapse and try to get up over and over. We’re 35 miles from the nearest town, 60 miles from the nearest hospital, it was up to us to help her. Luckily a tourist helicopter flew by and we flagged it down, whereas they called in for Search and Rescue but the clock was ticking and Olivia did not want to stay put. The chopper finally came after 2 hours, she had lost allot of blood but miraculously was still coherent when they whisked her away in a basket. The silence was deafening when it was all said and done, and WE all looking towards each other stood in the breeze of the Bluffs dumbfounded after what had just happened and slowly we all went back to our little routines we had set out for us, no tears, no words, it just happened and that was it. That walk out of the valley had me thinking like I had never done before about the impermanence of Life and those we share it with, with each spider web I broke through towards Babylon, The stupid shit didn’t seem to matter any more.
I picked up Lizzy in a tight fitting Zebra striped dress I ‘bought’ for her at the free store and met up with that dready girl I met at Mary’s farm named Gracie. Absolutely stunning face and a small lithe figure, I know what your thinking, ” Is that all he thinks about?…. uh yeah. If it makes you feel any better you can assume that in my delusional state of mind that all of these women “IF” they even exist were probably of the seedy and somewhat jaded nature but I hate to tell you I got pics for proof. Anyfuckin how we went out trance dancing at the Dragon Building in Kapa’a. It was like a yoga studio where everyone was one, I ain’t going into details. Gracie simply wore in her usual fashion a hippy skirt and some butterfly pasties on her pert little tits, some serious booty was slung that night.
The following day, Kalalauans converged on the Convention Center for the casting call, it was off the hook, sort of like waiting for a rock concert when you were in high school only everyone was dressed as a Pirate and we all drank way to much Rum and was told by the casting directors that they were looking for people to play Pirates and didn’t need real Pirates, so we tore the place apart and threatened Johnny Depps life if he came out to Kalalau. I think most girls just wanted to fuck him to death, poor bastard. We then made our way to Shipwreck Beach and did some cliff jumping and cracked out on some Tropilicious toasted Coconut icecream and bombass Wasabi Poke’. It started out with me and the girls going out there to do some nudes but next thing I know I got Sean, Rider, Mark & Quinten as stow aways. Bree contacted me via email inquiring about the van I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I doubted if I could sell it for what she wanted or for anything for that matter as it had suffered many trials and tribulations since she left it in my care. Sean made some curry while I was sleeping which everyone ate so I was pissed when I got up and left them there 50 miles from no where. assholes.
Then I got a flat and it was hell finding out how to get the spare off with all the shit in the back. I went to Salt Pond and hooked up with some local musicians I knew,.. Uncle Roy & Alen and Rich & Larry were there as well who told me I couldn’t leave them out there to die, I was like why not? But after a pull or two from a pipe I decided I needed gas money to make it back and went back to get them. But not before I bumped into a friend of mine I fronted a bag to at Annini and he paid me back in some kind. I went back to get them, it was pretty comical to see them all walking out there abandoned and thoughroly spent, they ran towards me in a stunning exhibit of joy whereas I threw it in reverse and made them chase me for a good 1/4 mile.
I think its May sometime by now. And needless to say the van caught on fire last night. Me and Sean came out to go Trancing at the Dragon House when smoke started coming out of the hood. So there we were on the side of the freeway with the engine on fire, Sean about worthless is more concerned about his god damned guitar than my van. I learned how to finally get hippies out of your vehicle though since Sean was running around in a panic screaming and grabbing all his shit ( which I had been trying for months to get him to do) He yells at me
“What should I grab?”
I’m trying to calmly smother the fire with someone’s dress, I thought about it and told him :
” My backpack” ( Full of Weed)
We finally made it into Kapa’a after a few more over heating sessions and the engine nearly seized up & died, we coasted to the Dragon House but it was cancelled. We stared into our own pitiful reflections of the dance studio window. I said might as well walk on over to the Beach house and see if Denise & Cheyenne were there where they volunteered. When we got there they were making a slip and slide out of tarps which we helped put together and along with some dishwashing soap and a bunch of volunteers and guest were soon slippin’ all over the damn place. I met a buxom redhead from Belgium named Shyalena who left her country because it collapsed and a beautiful Japanese girl named Ryoko and was soon telling them about Kalalau. they were intrigued and wanted to go in. Awesome I thought another sherpa job. The next morning me and the redhead made it back to the van and started out of Kapa’a to only overheat outside of Anahola by the beach. At least it doesn’t smell like stale beer and hippy funk anymore I thought, simply burnt rubber. Sean just happens to go past us in the bus and starts to write his song
” On the side of the road”
So we weren’t going anywhere and she looks over at me and said:
“You know I’ve always wanted to make love in the Ocean?
” Hmmmm” and we walked down the beach.
(I will mention here that she was not impressed with my pubic hairs that had grown in to the point of that being like a porcupine and caused her one hell of a rash.)
O.K. The plan being: Take Belgium girl in first, since she’s frisky enough on me but we met up with the Japanese girl Yoko and we load up on some food from the food bank. I don’t think they were quite prepared for the trip as they showed up in flip flops and small day packs with no camping gear- most likely some type of communication breakdown. I also have a bunch of Lonnie & Mimi’s food leftover from a boat ride that Aleki wouldn’t take and of course the van takes a shit out of Hanalei, luckily one of the girls has a cell phone and I call up this cute gal named Paige I was hitting on at the foodbank in Hanalei. She picks us up and I leave the van on the side of the road not really giving a fuck. Paige came to our rescue in her little toyota which we loaded to the hilt with food, cooking stuff, hippy shit etc. She then gave us a ride to trailhead and tells me to call her when I got out. I maxed out my bag at around 60 pounds refusing to go any heavier since my knees now sound like pepper grinders. We all set off and I could tell right away it was going to be a long haul as these two International women had two speeds, Slow and Stop. Yoko in true Japanese fashion stopped every 20 paces or so to take pictures and Shyalena was just plain slow. I told them we were in a race with the Sun and I doubted that either one of them had a head lamp to navigate the trail after nightfall not to mention it was near the new Moon cycle so we couldn’t depend on Luna for light nor did they have a tent to ward off the hordes of mosquitos that come out around Dusk. They looked at me both uncomprehendingly and somewhat annoyed at my pestering after about two hours of this I’m on the verge of a nervous fuckin breakdown. I passed Bif who was doing a Sherpa job for some folks when he spied the girls I was with, he laughs at me and said
” Pan, I sure hope your getting laid or paid man”…..
If he only knew. I said fuck it and high tailed in up to Space rock and waited for what seemed an Eternity on these gals and Magic came by heading out to get his Kayaks, he told me I could chill at his camp in 6 mile if I had to but don’t cum on his blanket. Soon Ryoko makes it to the top looking half dead and hadn’t seen Shyalena since Hanakapai back at mile 2.
” Fuckin’ Great now I’m a shiity guide as well as a terrible drug dealer and alcohol Sherpa.” I thought.
The Belgium girl must have turned around somewhere on the trail never to be seen or heard from again. Ryoko was a trooper but was concerned on how long it was taking but I kept on her to at least make it in where she could get Aleki to boat her out on his Zodiac he would often bring in with beer and food and make garbage runs out. She asked if we were close I told her we were not even half way and the Sun was setting, she stared at me in disbelief and screamed
: Nooooo, I go back now!”
Now I’m thinking ok the Belgium bitch is either dead or barely making it back out IF she turned around hours ago and up here I am now realizing that I am about to throw this gal off the cliff if she doesn’t come to her senses. The scales are hanging in the balance, So I baffle her with bullshit by simply telling her that she had better make peace with whatever god it is she prays to because I’m going onward and if she turns around now she will surely die from one of a multitude of ways which I indulge her in. She decides to come with me to 6 mile where we fall into Magic’s camp totally exhausted.
Probably the most beautiful Japanese girl I have ever had the pleasure of meeting in person. Her hair was of course long and thick and jet black against her pale alabaster skin. her features very pleasing to the eye. She was different in the sense that she was not of small stature like most of her kind but tall and extremely long limbed. I’m here to tell you that everything you have heard about how erotic the Japanese women are is true. The next morning once we made it to Red Dirt Hill, Yoko was awed by what she seen and damn near started crying. I brought her to the Pancake Hut to meet the gang and get some grub. We made it to my camp and enjoyed each others company disturbing the solitude.
She had to swim out to meet Aleki as the little Zodiac couldn’t get past the waves with more than one person. All those guys were just intoxicated by her and wouldn’t keep away from her. She swam out of my life that day and waved goodbye as a rainbow touched down way off in the distance. I turned around where some of the local guys were like
“Dude’ where’d you find her?”
“Japan,… duh…” I said and walked into my tent and slept most the day away. Uncle T was proud.
April or May not sure….
Beach House Hostel-
Driving the Panvando past Papaya’s courtyard and notice Lizzie & Mimi dancing hippy style so I stopped to say hello. They just hiked out from Kalalau with a shit load of Hotties. They introduced me to them but one stood out, she was like a Pilipino-American Indian that you couldnt take your eyes off of. We all loaded up in the van and drove down to pass out in the back of the van. So there was Mimi up front and Lizzie and Charlene in the back with me. It was a hot as hell night and we had to close the windows to keep mosquitos out. Lizzie wanted a leg/ass massage which I took full advantage of. She went to sleep on the beach since it was so hot which I should have gone with her but “Hello, I got two Hotties with me” So Mimi jumped in the back with us and as I tried to spoon her she spat out-
“Its too hot!”
Then I rolled over & I threw a leg over Charlene she yelled-
“Get off me!”
So I lay there in between the both of them to afraid to move in fear of repurcussioins but I didnt mind all that much. So the next morning we all hitched down to Kapa’a (since the van wouldnt go that far) beach house hostel since Hot Ass girl from Holland named Chantal, was flying off to Peru and was sponsoring a party at the hostel that night. The theme- Tight Shorts. It was nice seeing all the girls in such attire but the guys looked like a bunch of Grape Smugglers.
After going to the Cost U Less for beer and tequila, rum and munchies somebody suggested playing strip poker but no one knew how to play poker so we played strip 21, next thing I know were all butt ass naked, “Why does this keep happening to me?”
I wonder, but pay it no never mind and enjoy the moment with all these naked International Women. One of them suggested Naked Body Painting- what an excellent idea and it brought out the artist in everyone. Another awesome night. Met some gals from Canada there that night who hung with us for a few days and I’m bringing back into Kalalau on Tuesday if I don’t work/trade here at the Hostel. The hostel is right on the beach here in Kapa’a and is painted electric blue with bright yellow trim with a open courtyard, community kitchen and lots of young vibrant people coming and going with no end in site of gorgeous women.
Is from British Columbia and is simply put: Stunning. She has light brown hair to the middle of her back with blonde highlights, blue eyes, full breast that sweep upwards and a J-Lo ass, wide glide hips and strong thick legs that could probably constrict like a python. She just let her family and friends know back home that she was calling off her wedding and continuing her educational pursuits in Kalalau University of which I am a Junior. She feels as if the whole world just opened up for her and that’s what life should be like. She said-
” I try and do something that scares me everyday.”
Anne- Is French-Canadian and has short brown hair that always looks perfectly disarrayed, pretty smile and fawn like brown eyes. Primo ( Chief) brought her into the beach house as she went to the other hostel where the guy is an ass and kicked her off the property. She goes to school in Quebec and studies theatre but doesn’t act. She came with a one way ticket, a calling- no doubt. Her saying is-
” I try and question myself about what I think I know about”
I think that she is on to something.
So I plan on taking them back into the valley with me right past A camp where all those knuckleheads who absolutely hate me for doing so on a regular basis. You see here’s the deal. All these older guys who have no life in the outside world act out these roles on people, especially young women back here in the valley. They deliver the same old lines on cue to unsuspecting wide eyed girls who come looking for some type of prophet. These fuck wads prey on these girls like sharks on fresh meat. All the while eating and drinking all of the stuff they just brought in. Its a great hustle I suppose when you aint got nothing else going on. It wouldn’t be all that bad I guess if they were up front about their angle but it leads to bad vibes here in the valley since they get possessive about the girls. Most if not ALL the negative energy here is based on competition for pussy. Its sort of sad when all these girls come in here looking for some kind of insight on Life and get a bunch of lies and deceit which creates a bunch of friction here amongst the guys who are always trying to out-do one another. Its also pretty comical to see this unfold as the guys are going through all their good grinds to lure the women to their camp and then after being shut down spend the next few weeks starving.
But then I guess we all do it, that’s the way we were made, to pursue the females. But to see it over and over, time & time again with the same bullshit lines and lunacy it creates, all I got to say is PUSSY is a POWERFUL Thing.
Usually it ends up with the women folk walking on pins and needles, shell shocked from the delivery of every one liner known to man which culminates in them simply shutting down to disappear with their own kind to a ” Goddess Camp” where men are not allowed. Great. Way to go. Now its a sausage fest.
Now if you thought being “Cock blocked” was bad, wait until you get “Cuntblocked” which proves far more detrimental to a man’s psyche than anything else, as there are also female predators out there as well.
It goes something like this:
A woman who has the taste for other women will start planting seeds in the unsuspecting girl by saying
“All men are pigs and want to get into your pants”
Which I will admit is mostly true, if a guy said he just wants to get to know you as a freind he’s either gay or impotent, I ain’t gonna bullshit you.
Anyway then it goes into keeping her away from the men folk most likely laying out nude together so all the guys can see and drive them crazy or do some skinny dipping together in a seemingly innocent display of sister love which usually ends up with some hair brushing, massaging and snuggling. So what’s the difference? Is the lesbian any different than the guy? Ask the girl who fell for it and see’s the lez doing the same to another Hottie that just got in the valley. I’m just telling you the way it is. Its in the way they go about it that makes them predators.
OK, Ill be honest, I am addicted to gorgeous women ,yes. And I get wrapped up in the game myself because that’s all that it is, a game. But I try and be up front and once in awhile might even make it through a chick flick and write poetry for the prize of their companionship. I come from a Matriarchal Family and also have 6 sisters so I’m used to girls and will admit like them for the most part. yet nothing worries me more than thinking
” Am I just like the others?”’ When did I go from being cool to becoming a pervert?, And, does that happen when you turn 35 or 45 I wonder”.
Are guys supposed to stop yearning for young gorgeous women at a certain age, society would tell you that, unless your a CEO and she’s a super model, then its ok I guess.
We rally Tague’s van to Annini Beach w/ Sandytits, Mimi. Whit, Chris and the Kanooks. We stop by store and get Ahi Poke’, Beer and Rum. Coincedently the impeached Mayor Ronnie and 1st lady Annie come begging for beer and Kevin to boot. Yeah. I just ignore them and take the girls out to the water where were all skinnydipping and having a great time. Sandytits told me she had no way to express what it was like to be in the water topless and she wished I had tits to find out. We make our way to the Pavillion in Hanalei where we have a huge Coconut Oil Massage Train, reading out of my journal and hit a new milestone while drinking a beer at a outdoor AA meeting. It gets a bit blurry after that.
This is your journal. I think we need more substance, sex, drugs and alcohol seems so cliche’. Try reading something else besides Hunter S. Thompson, its bleeding over.
I just awoke surrounded by empty bottles of beer, coconut oil and tequila and a splitting headache. No one else is around its early. Some guy said I dotted his eye yesterday, probably deserved it.
Dichonomy in Paradise-
Its weird how one week Ill be knee deep in Pussy then the next I’m alone. This place has a never-ending flow of women searching for God only knows. I don’t think I should stay here with all its temptations.
I met a beautiful Old Lady who is a published writer, she spoke to me of finding my voice and to write as I talk. Be truthful and enlightened. Speak from your Heart and you will speak from a shared experience called truth. I forgot her name but believe I met her at exactly when I was supposed to. She left me saying;
“If we cant write the truth then why the fuck do we write?”
For Sale $1,000
1997 Dodge Caravan 150,000 + miles
Needs valve cover gasket for oil leak, new radiator, oil change, tune up, etc.
Pre- Hippyfied/ Surferized rally Rig.
ready for new owner, Ill throw in broken in twin mattress
12v. Inverter w/ Hot Plate & Cofee maker, blankets & Ant Colony
at no extra cost.
Two different species of ants are now in full war fighting for the van. Hordes of them lie dead or dying, its tragic and I couldnt stand to see it anymore so I sprayed them with a can of Lysol which I also used on Mattress and my nuts.
I don’t think I can stay in Hawaii, I want to leave like a blank check, worthless but capable of worth. Leaving behind a shroud of mystery and unpaid tabs. I get furiously jealous when I am not recognized and extremely bored when I am. I hate writing about myself yet always start sentences with I. Maybe I should write in the 3rd person.
He has a mind to leave the Panvando w/ all the doors open without a clue of his where about’s…. maybe not.
I have been here on Kauai for 6 months now I think, I can climb like a spider, run straight up these cliffs, swim with dolphins for miles in the surf that used to scare the hell out of me, that’s the way it is.
When I first came here I thought I knew how to live “IN” the Valley and now know how to live “WITH” the Valley. All my original possessions I came here with are gone somehow absorbed by it all. This whirlwind of sights and sounds pleasure and pain, happiness and sadness, madness and sanity. Everyday is a routine but somehow different. I gather wood. water, fruit, fish, prawns and cook if I want too or eat it raw, doesn’t matter my taste buds are irrelevant, I can even stomach Noni now.. I don’t need to ‘stuff” myself as I was taught all these years, I get what I need through what means I can provide for myself. Id be lying though if I didn’t say that by being a part of a community doesn’t help. I came here to run away from it all and I came face to face with myself and others who I loathed and now love. And I try and educate these newbies coming in not to climb the trees for fruit but to wait for the tree to give it to you by allowing it to drop.8 Mile Bill & Daniel are pig killing S.O.B’s. and is the valley’s only hope to keeping them feral beast out of the valley.They set snares all through that valley smoking them up and sends the meat in with people on the trail. One morning I was kicking it around the abandoned Goddess Camp when Daniel came up with a pillow case full of freshly smoked meat. I was running low on grub and was happy to see him. As I sat there eating on a bunch of ribs he said:
“Pretty good for Fido huh?”
I thought Fido being a Hawaiian word for pig or goat I agreed picking some gristle out of my teeth.
“It has a great smoke to it brah, what’d say it was?” Fido?” I said.
” I think it was Mastiff not really sure though.” he snorted, smiling.
” Like the dog kind? I queried while sucking marrow out of a rib.
” yeah man, one of those wild dogs got in my snare so I smoked him up, not bad huh? he laughed.
” No, not bad at all.” and I grabbed a leg bone.
But needless to say shit is getting stupid over at A camp with Hey Rick who must have some kind of chemical imbalance or something. He just got into it with AA who sais he wants to keep all the women for himself, well I hate to burst his bubble but I don’t really give a fuck what he thinks and I’ll simply keep bringing them in here like the swallows of Capistrano, he’s just going to have to deal with it. I wasn’t feeling it in there anymore with all kinds of power struggles for pussy and shit going on with Hey Rick and who ever fuckin else, Never Neverland was losing its Magic.
Bif asked me:
” Where’s the Love, Man?
“Fuck the Love man….fuck it”
I was over it. I was seeing people for what they really were, most of the people out there were cool but there were others who simply couldn’t make it on the outside for what ever reasons be it addictions, debt, warrants, whatever, it all came down to people just fucking up the valley, all the while calling it their own. As I said allot of people bring in all their provisions either hiking it in or boat drops. There is no shortage of Garbage out there that people have left behind and I will say that it is mostly visitors as opposed to the ones that live in there. Some pack out what they pack in but for the most part it is burned. That really got me as I remember one guy would preach about taking care of Aina’ ( land) and then he’d turn around and burn heaps of plastic saying it was better in the sky than on the ground. I really don’t know the answer but I know its not burning it.
Before I left, I made a badass double decked Spiritual Pizza for Blue and Donna who were leaving to go to Fiji. 5 cheeses. peperoni, salami, green chilies, 4 inches thick. I then threw down another one with Heath, Rick, Cherokee & Dave & AA for good measure, I wanted to use up all my grinds so the thieves wouldn’t get shit. I broke camp early the next morning and stopped in the Pancake Hut where Lefty Louie was losing his sanity big time, I knew I had to get out and so with a heavy heart I didn’t say goodbye to anyone and left the valley for good.
So I’m back out and the van is pretty much dead but I have a friend who is going to fix it if he can and is storing it for me. I hung out at Blackpot with a Christian prayer group since they have free food at their prayer meeting. When we were all around the fire being asked what we would pray and hope for I said
” I hope people quit fighting over God’s name and I hope someone brings pickles next week.”
They all just stared at me as I made my 3rd hamburger.
I slept out in the rain then went to the beach House and wrapped up in a blanket that was on the clothes line. I started hitch hiking out of their early so no one would see me as I now felt like a bum.
I was out there for hours and no one picked me up even with my Mohawk laid over.
A local pulls over to pee and looks at me.
” Hey You! Whatcha doin? he ask.
“Trying to get to Hanalei” I said.
He looks at me suspiciously probably notices the blacktop burning my feet and sais
“Ah you Fucka- get in!”
You going on one hell of a ride with me Fucka!”
As he burned out and we sped off down the rode I couldn’t help but think
” Oh Shit, here comes that local welcoming beat down I heard about.”
As we near Anahola ( the place Howlie dont go) he flies off the highway onto a dirt road and said-
” You gona meet my family over here”…time seemed to go into a vacumn as I pictured myself within a ring of huge Moke’s beating me to a pulp.
He takes me onto this huge ranch way the fuck in the middle of nowhere where we pull up and these people are on the porch where I get out to get my serving and they comfort me and talk story. I meet Auntie’s and many cousins who keep looking at my Mohawk and bare feet. I feel ashamed. When we left there and I wasn’t a bloody pulp as anticipated, I felt better and could breathe normally we once again shot off the highway down a old dirt road to Larsen’s a known Local’s Only beach rumored to be a bit rough, I’m thinking
” Oh God, this is it better man up cuz here it comes.”
Only he took me to his Uncle’s Farm and showed me all that had changed in his lifetime there with big money coming in and what not.
Then we get back on the highway and we get to Hanalei which we drive through because he said-
Oh cuz, now you got to meet my other Uncle in Wainia where he takes me to meet Old Auntie and Big Dog Biker nephew’s who come pulling up like rolling thunder.
“Ok, this is it.. they’re gona let Old Auntie fuck me up then feed me to the sharks.” Its been a good life even though I never got the book wrote, in fact I prayed to God Almighty above and made a promise that if I made it through with articulating hands I would sit down and write like I never wrote before.
But I was welcomed as a guest and offered the best bar b que I have ever tasted with fish they recently caught. Here I was thinking the whole time I was going to get a beat down when in fact his extended family and friends welcomed me from Anahola to Ke’e at places I had been told to stay away from.
Life is a trip.
The mountains there are covered w/ terraces and ruins from a long gone people, I cant help but think of their lives, and the experiences they had in their time, was it so different than mine? I can only wonder, their whispers reverberate through the stone and water into the trees and everything that nourishes me here, so into my very core, physically, psychologically and spiritually the energy here is extremely powerful. Some feel it, some don’t, some harness it and some go mad from it I guess its all a matter of perspective. All my belongings fit into a small day pack. Most of what little I have has been owned by those before me as Mama provides what I need if anything at all. I am not self sufficient in all my wanderings here and throughout my time I have come to realize that a man who goes off into the wild alone, dies alone. Only those who had family, clan or tribe flourished and persevered.
Why do I do this? To set off into the unknown and test myself? I don’t know but I hope the Great Spirit does the same. Wanderlust for me is my great companion whispering into my dreams like a long lost lover. It consumes my waking thoughts to be somewhere else, I don’t know why. I couldn’t tell you but its where I feel comfort.
Complacency is the Great Enemy! It goes hand in hand with Convenience and Comfort making the Mind and Body soft.
Being Alone is Forever and Never.
I fear nothing more than lying on a couch with a remote in my hand living vicariously through someone else’s fantasy, at least when I’m out here I know its real.
Some call me “Homeless”
I say… I’m “HOMEFREE”.
Graffiti on Outhouse in Kalalau:
But you Children of Space, You Restless in Rest
You shall not be Trapped or Tamed
For that which is Boundless, in you Abides
In the Mansion of the Sky, whose Door is the Morning Mist
And whose Windows are the Songs and Silences of the Night
Attachment is the root
Of all suffering
Suffered is the way