Aug 12, 2008

The G-Wood Report

Current mood: animated

After yet another night of revelry at Studio B and nearly catching himself on fire (yeah again), he literallly crawled to a picnic table in the middle of the town park where everyone usually met up to smoke bowls, drink good ales and catch up on the local gossip. He figured someone would either come by with one of the afore mentioned articles while waiting for the Silvertip Bar & Grill to open for some coffee.  He thought he was dreaming of dancing with a beautiful dark haired girl when he felt something tugging on his back pack that he was using for a pillow, thinking it was probally a dog he smacked the large black object in front of him before his eyes could focus. The sound eminating from the so-called dog was that of a low gluttoral grunt, alarmed, sitting up in a state of  confusion he soon realised that it was not a dog but a Black Bear Sow and her cub instead. She jumped back grunting while the cub scuttled up a tree whining. Pan thinking, “Oh shit…………….” The cub went & treed itself between him and its mother ( a bad place to be) and is screeching, which makes Mama very upset and is stepping from side to side nervously, salivating, eyeing the Pan, who is doing the same for whatever reasons and standing in front of her, the standoff seems to last an eternity…………………….. A passerby walking her dog notices the display and goes on to tell the town that she saw Pan dancing with a Black Bear, the towns people eye him wearilly when he crawls into the “Tip” for some coffee, Mohawk standing straight up and reeking of Black Bear, nothing new for the Panster. The myth perpetuates itself and goes on & on.

Somewhere up Crow Creek, Jerry was reported to have been found in a unresponsive state ( yeah, again) hanging from the rope ladder going up to the treehouse, stranded like a gilled salmon in a sein net, totally oblivious to life or his perdicerment some 20 feet off the deck. It would seem that in trying to get up the ladder for the 5th or 6th time, his leg slipped through one of the rungs and he lost his grip and was sumersaulted into an inverted position. The hanging ladder with no railing proved too difficult to conquer and with one last heave he gives it the old college try in attempting to right himself and only suceeds in generating enough force (stored energy) swinging into the tree knocking himself out, the report is still under investigation and further review by the “Vibe Patrol” which will make a ruling if he is to be evicted out of the treehouse and the ladder pulled to keep him from killing himself. Besides he has been hustling money with the tourist where he takes them to the treehouse and poses for their camera’s and goes on to tell about his life living in a treehouse in the wilds of Alaska (5 minute walk from G-wood) a pitiful and deceitful display of ignorance towards the locals who built it along with the sauna ” For locals, by locals and only locals.” It may be time to call Boxman or Captain Anarchy.

Captain Anarchy

The Crow Creek gang had another raging fire and so of course half of the available female population (the ones w/ summer teeth……..some are there, some aint) came back down that very same morning with that fresh faded look, twigs in their hair all dischevelled looking, eyes dialated on God only knows what. Skirts all soiled with wine and , uh,……. you get the picture.  The Crow Creek people are a differant breed with no running water, flushing toilets or plowing service in winter, they are truley a differant breed. They raise their youngins amongst the Bears and Wolves. Pan loves these hearty folk.

There was another report that some eerie and odd sounding shreiks were coming from the forest off of the Iditarod Trail. Some believe it to be the one who’s name shall never be uttered ( Old Native Forest Spirit) and others believe it to be that of a love-sick lone Yeti looking for a mate ( probally attracted by the smell of Jerry who in his own mind believes he smells like garlic, I think its as pungeant but not the same even if he tries to cover it with potchulli, frankencence & myhr). Under further investigation it was proven that it was Carl’s peacock that has been missing since May they were united and have been very happy together. He was last seen trying to get into his house which the bird was defending herocally much to the dismay of Carl who looked as if he had to take a crap really bad or something. Score: Peacock 2 Carl 1

On a lighter note our own “Uncle Ted”, venerable Alaskan State Senator who “claims” Girdwood as his home was indicted earlier this month, much to the glee of those who make less than 6 figures and dismay to those who work on the slope. When asked by channel 11 news crew what he thought about the matter Pan intelligently replied ” I do believe there is a llong outstanding tradition of our elected public officials from the President of the United States on down to our Representitives, Senators and Congressmen that in order to get your agenda completed all you have to do is wave some good old hard cash in their faces or better yet simply find loopholes and if that doesnt work change the laws and vote in themselves a raise to do it. In my illustrious criminal career I have learned that just because your indicted does not neccasarily mean that you are guilty and that if you have enough money or time will be figured out accordingly. I also believe that it is we as the People who continue to vote in total scoundrels and look away as long as we keep getting money in Alaska, for the biggest argument that I hear defending Ted is that he has brought Millions of Dollars to Alaska, but so have Drug Dealers and that dont make it right besides I never seen the dude here he lives in DC.” At least that’s what I was thinking, I probally said something totally differant because the Hulk does still hold power over this little mountain hamlet even though he is over 4,000 miles away and besides I still have to drink in this town. Nuff Said, besides that it was televised Nationally

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