fuck cancer

Today is brought to you by the letter “C”

“C” is for COMING OUT

No I ain’t fuckin’ gay,…. besides it wouldn’t matter if I was anyhow when it comes to this evil bitch. She has no prejudice in who she kills.

So for the few that haven’t heard or figured it out.

I have been Battling Colon Cancer for 6 months now.


Before you all “freak the fuck out”- start blowing up my phone, fb page, running up to me telling me how Sorry you are, crying, never-ending hugs, please chill.

I got this.

I don’t respond well to that type of energy albeit with good intentions besides I don’t like being touched. No worries if you feel the need too & are of the female persuasion. I guess I will have to deal with it, but let it be known I don’t have time to cry about it nor think for a minute I am going to do anything but squash this shit

Just read it like a Epic Novel full of Metaphors and Analogies, preferably high as fuck.


(Alcohol, Diabetes and Cancer)

I chose the Greek mythological serpent to represent the diseases I now face. Seems befitting with numerous heads that when cut off, two or more heads regenerate in its place immediately. The middle and dominant Hydra head was immortal and breathes fire. The giant serpent’s other heads possessed poisonous breath in addition to poisonous and acidic blood.

Journal Entry 7/22/18

I started experiencing bad stomach/intestinal cramps last month w/ accompanying digestive issues that would come on in waves & it fucking hurt like a had been stabbed with a piece of old rusty rebar in my lower abdomen. At first, I thought I was having a appendicitis but it was on wrong side. I would literally fall over in pain and curl into a ball on the cold concrete floor until it would pass, I would come to fear these onsets. I went to a Dr. and we both thought it was due to me getting back on my medicine for Diabetes that was known to cause discomfort sometimes. Wait, huh? Yeah… I was told the year prior I was pre-diabetic and if I didn’t change my lifestyle I would be diabetic without a doubt. So what did I do you ask? Well like most humans I thought

“No big deal” and I had time later to do something about it,……. you know, when I’m ready. I continued to party my self into a dangerous glucose level. Usual glucose levels should be between 70-110mg/dL.  I’m sure mine was up in the 3 or 4 hundreds if not higher. I don’t really know because I wasn’t checking my blood back then like I was told to. You see I had been on a bender for awhile in case no one noticed. One hell of a ride, not without it’s consequences. I had in recent months started experiencing these hellacious hangovers with sweats much more intense than your common variety and weird shit I cant explain except only as being highly TOXIC.


“A” is for ALCOHOL (First Head)

For most adults, moderate alcohol use is probably not harmful. However, about 18 million adult Americans have an alcohol use disorder (AUD). This means that their drinking causes distress and harm. It includes alcoholism and alcohol abuse.

Alcoholism, or alcohol dependence, is a disease that causes

  • Craving – a strong need to drink
  • Loss of control – not being able to stop drinking once you’ve started
  • Physical dependence – withdrawal symptoms
  • Tolerance – the need to drink more alcohol to feel the same effect

With alcohol abuse, you are not physically dependent, but you still have a serious problem. The drinking may cause problems at home, work, or school. It may cause you to put yourself in dangerous situations, or lead to legal or social problems.

Another common problem is binge drinking. It is drinking about five or more drinks in two hours for men. For women, it is about four or more drinks in two hours.

Too much alcohol is dangerous. Heavy drinking can increase the risk of certain cancers. It can cause damage to the liver, brain, and other organs. Drinking during pregnancy can harm your baby. Alcohol also increases the risk of death from car crashes, injuries, homicide, and suicide.

“D” is for DIABETES (Second Head)

Diabetes is a disease that occurs when your blood glucose, also called blood sugar, is too high. Blood glucose is your main source of energy and comes from the food you eat. Insulin, a hormone made by the pancreas, helps glucose from food get into your cells to be used for energy. Sometimes your body doesn’t make enough—or any—insulin or doesn’t use insulin well. Glucose then stays in your blood and doesn’t reach your cells.

Over time, having too much glucose in your blood can cause health problems. Although diabetes has no cure, you can take steps to manage your diabetes and stay healthy.

Sometimes people call diabetes “a touch of sugar” or “borderline diabetes.” These terms suggest that someone doesn’t really have diabetes or has a less serious case, but every case of diabetes is serious.

“C” is for CANCER (Third Head)

Every day within our bodies, a massive process of destruction and repair occurs. The human body is comprised of about 15 trillion cells, and every day billions of cells wear out or are destroyed. In most cases, each time a cell is destroyed the body makes a new cell to replace it, trying to make a cell that is a perfect copy of the cell that was destroyed because the replacement cell must be capable of performing the same function as the destroyed cell. During the complex process of replacing cells, many errors occur. Despite remarkably elegant systems in place to prevent errors, the body still makes tens of thousands of mistakes daily while replacing cells either because of random errors or because there are outside pressures placed on the replacement process that promote errors. Most of these mistakes are corrected by additional elegant systems or the mistake leads to the death of the newly made cell, and another normal new cell is produced. Sometimes a mistake is made, however, and is not corrected. Many of the uncorrected mistakes have little effect on health, but if the mistake allows the newly made cell to divide independent of the checks and balances that control normal cell growth, that cell can begin to multiply in an uncontrolled manner. When this happens, a tumor (essentially a mass of abnormal cells) can develop.

Tumors fall into two categories: there are benign (noncancerous) tumors and malignant (cancerous) tumors. So what is the difference? The answer is that a benign tumor grows only in the tissue from which it arises. Benign tumors sometimes can grow quite large or rapidly and cause severe symptoms, even death, although most do not. For example, a fibroid tumor in a woman’s uterus is a type of benign tumor. It can cause bleeding or pain, but it will never travel outside the uterus and grow as a new tumor elsewhere. Fibroids, like all benign tumors, lack the capacity to shed cells into the blood and lymphatic system, so they are unable to travel to other places in the body and grow. A cancer, on the other hand, can shed cells that can travel through the blood or lymphatic system, landing in tissues distant from the primary tumor and growing into new tumors in these distant tissues. This process of spreading to distant tissues, called metastasis, is the defining characteristic of a cancerous or malignant tumor.

So here’s how it all went down:

I’m working on a Winter Exploratory Drill Rig on one of the remotest projects on the North Slope of Alaska’s oil fields last summer. I started experiencing all kinds of fucked up digestive issues, I will spare you all the details for now. I thought initially that it was bad camp food or an intestinal bug.  I haven’t felt pain like that ever. I just didn’t know because for a guy who drinks damn near anybody under the table with an inability to throw up I was pretty damn healthy.  Yet, there deep inside of me was a nest of my own making. In hindsight I now believe that my high Glucose levels were making a wonderful incubation spot somewhere in my Sigmoid for her  to sprout, if you will.


There she lurked and came to lie deep within my bowels, festering. At the time my newly acquired diabetic diet consisted of a lot of fiber and I was slamming shots of Apple Cider Vinegar to supplement my hard liquor rituals I had become accustomed to and missed. Not to mention, to also get some good bugs in my gut but it was twisting me up sideways. I was making life changes you know, but seemingly to much for my body to handle all at once. I even considered buying a bag of powdered Turmeric and snorting a couple rails then pound it all down with some Ginger beer, just for old time sake. You know I’m playing……..

I tried to deal with it the best I could but it was causing me great discomfort (yeah go ahead and laugh fuckers) and so it persisted to the point where I contacted my Dr. which I never have done before. 

He asked me if I had done a Colonoscopy as he suggested 2 years prior.

I told him “No.” 

He replies ” Wrong Answer” and proceeded to make me an appointment.

Yeah better tune it up man, this ain’t no joke. 

The Dr. suggested I quit taking the Metformin I had been previously prescribed to help get my sugars get under control, the thought being that it was the culprit causing all my issues as it can sometimes cause cramps/nausea. Now, I have never been sick for anything besides a common cold or flu and occasional STD. So the idea of taking pills was foreign to me and I just hated the idea of having to take any kind of meds for “Anyfucking” thing if it wasn’t getting me high . So I sort of took them and sometimes just spaced them out. I was trying to make some changes w/ my drinking and eating habits as well but found it challenging and expensive. It’s funny how I never bitched about the price of a drink in a bar but would moan when I was pricing healthy diet choices. 

No wonder Fatass America loves McDonalds, its cheap.

Lets talk about the psychology of someone when they are told they are diagnosed with a impending disability or deadly disease. It usually starts out with feeling somehow broken and embarrassed that you have become some kind of half ass person. I hated even thinking about it. So you usually keep it to yourself, at least I did.

I’m Pando don’t you know and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let this fuck with me type attitude………

Ring the Bell!


Pst- here’s the thing I learned about diseases I want to share with you:



You have to do something though right?

I thought I had better start doing some family medical research but found that difficult since both my parents have been dead for over 20 years now. I hit up my Eldest Sister without trying to raise any red flags because I wasn’t telling any body shit at the time. I found no history of Cancer on my Mothers side, just the usual drug and alcohol bullshit. I come from a long line partyer’s, Its just what my family did. 

As far as my Dad’s side, he died of complications from Diabetes mixed with a good sprinkling of Hepatitis- another story of how ones lifestyle caught up with them ultimately in the end. Its strange how I never seen the signs. 

Somewhat like the shooting cracks in snow that try and warn you before an impending Avalanche, I trudged onward into the storm oblivious to the dangers that lie ahead.

I did not know to many of my Elders that were still alive although I have one living Aunt who is 92 years old on the Pando side I could ask questions. She is the Last remaining true blood Pando I know of. I had to be careful how I went about asking her because I didn’t want her to worry about me, but she always has and did so anyway, which tore me apart. She is constantly calling me and gets angry when I dont want to talk, call me an ass but I just cant do it over and over to everyone who wants constant updates which is bringing me down. I have to do what I got to do. She is though another perfect example of lifestyle choices, she never drank and is very healthy for her age. Throughout my childhood she would take me in when my Mom was in jail or just gone and Dad was in prison. The Old-timers Guard their family secrets from everyone including other family members, its like pulling teeth to get any info from them at all. Later after getting nothing for answers, her daughter told me Diabetes ran in the family and they didn’t use the word “Cancer” in their house because they had lost loved ones to the disease. My Grandmother, two Uncles and a Aunt of mine all died from Cancer. 

Oh FUCK! so there it is………The Smoking Gun! 

That might have been nice to know before but I have to tell you, I doubt if it would have changed my course back then. 

I was the Captain of the Ship of Fools without a doubt and sailing the Highest Seas.

“Just Great! Now I know I have it in my Genetics- isn’t that awesome?”

As I drank another shot to toast this new found information.

I know what your thinking,

“Does this train wreck stop soon? I want to get off please.”

As it heads full speed……….. into a dark tunnel.

Lets talk about Lifestyle for a minute since the Segway presents itself. A lot of you know me as that Crazy Mother Fucker always doing some outlandish shit obviously on a Vision Quest, dressed like a “Stuporhero” usually with a drink  or two in his hand. Yep, I started drinking early from what I was told. I loved taking beers off tables and chugging them when I was 4 or 4 1/2.  So it can be argued that “First Head” took root early on and it was going to be a bitch to destroy. I specifically remember choking on a Lifesaver candy (of all things) when my family was at the Circus, my step dad handed me a Coors and I slammed it then let out a great big belch, the first of many to come. Beer saved my life, literally.

I really didn’t start drinking regularly until I was 16. Mostly anything I could get my hands on weekends. We would boost beer trucks as they made deliveries or siphon the hard stuff from unsuspecting friends parents home bar if we had to. Keggers and Pussy were my priority then. So I have been drinking steady for 35 years give or take a few, only stopping when I was in jail… which was in often in my 20’s. Even then, we made “Pruno” out of Bread (yeast) from our sandwiches, Sugar from our coffee packets and Fruit. Tasted like Ass but it got you tore the fuck up. Those nights usually ended with an escape attempt or two but usually the would be fugitive got chewed on by some dogs or all fucked up in the barb wire.

Like the Wapiti (Elk) in Rut, I used to love chasing Skirts and getting into Bar fights.

Great Past Time!

It’s simple really, I loved fast cars, faster women and partying. Easy recipe you cant fuck up really but believe me when I say it will most likely fuck you up at one point or another.

Tommy Lee got his hairstyle from me.

We used to have keggers out at the old airport runway and race cars and then outrun cops when they came to bust it up. EVERYONE in my neighborhood had DUI’s. They wouldn’t impound your car back then. They would just throw you in the drunk tank over night w/ a $200 fine in the morning and give you back your keys.

” See you next Friday Pan?” 

” You know it.”

No classes, no serious jailtime so no big deal. Right? I had racked up 4 dui’s before I was 30. Wrecked a 68′ Camaro racing & my Sisters 72′ Laguna all fucked up on Jack Daniels on the way to 1984 Van Halen Concert.  I also rolled my first Land cruiser aka. The Grey Ghjost.

Hell,  what’s the big deal? I was in my own lane doing the speed limit,….upside down.

Nothing I’m proud of, thank God I never hurt or killed anybody or myself for that matter. This pattern would repeat itself over and over throughout the years. I have pissed off or insulted damn near all of my close friends & relatives and made some bad decisions in my life with serious repercussions but through it all I loved partying man. Come to think of it I never had anybody ask me what I was going to be when I grew up and all my role models were junkies or boozers.

I never had a problem drinking, it was usually other people had a problem with me drinking.

Cest la vie.

I guess it could be argued that the things you do in your 20’s (in my case 30’s and 40’s as well) will catch up with you in your 50’s.

I could write a book on it,…… Oh wait I am.

Insert pitch for upcoming book here:


coming to a shelf near you 2020.


A colonoscopy (koe-lun-OS-kuh-pee) is an exam used to detect changes or abnormalities in the large intestine (colon) and rectum.

During a colonoscopy, a long, flexible tube (colonoscope) is inserted into the rectum. A tiny video camera at the tip of the tube allows the doctor to view the inside of the entire colon.

If necessary, polyps or other types of abnormal tissue can be removed through the scope during a colonoscopy. Tissue samples (biopsies) can be taken during a colonoscopy as well.

Now isn’t that Special? So, we’ve all heard the horror stories and believe me I have heard all the shit and asshole jokes. So I wasn’t looking forward to this ordeal. I had images in my head of a Spanish Inquisition-like setting with rustic torture devices. The “doc” prescribed me no less than 4 different things to cleanse my system which does a hell of a job mind you. 

I think I finally passed that gum I swallowed when I was 6.

I should have known when the pharmacy handed me a box of shit that could hold a basketball.

Now mind you, I’m staying at my friends Air B&B and couldn’t do the cleanse there since the poor neighbors (that just moved in) bedroom is directly below my toilet, I might be an asshole but I couldn’t shellshock them like that, so I got a cheap motel in Anchorage. Yeah the cheapest one I could find in Spenard, notorious for Pimps and Prostitutes. My kind of People.  Now mind you I haven’t eaten in 2 days since they want you to fast the day before and my stomach is so fucked up I didn’t want to eat anyhow. Needless to say when the drugs took affect I was pissing out my ass for 8 hours. The shit they give you taste fucking horrible to boot. Not Fun, that along with having to listen to debauchery of rooms next door, above and below proved somewhat amusing.

The following day I asked a friend of mine to drop me off and pick me up from the colonoscopy since they had to sedate me.

The one thing I was looking forward to in all of this,

“Always look at the sunny side of things.” Aunt Cora would say.

So the nurse hands me one of those dinosaur print smocks where your ass hangs out for one and all to see and remark on. I have an ass like a godamn Baboon now from sitting on rocks in jungles. I’m contemplating implants.

She ask some personal info from me then hooks me into some electrolytes.  I was trying to remain positive as they rolled me down the fluorescent white hallway where I was gurnied into the room where it all goes down. In a nervous rant resembling Acute Toxosis from Methaphetimine I’m busting out every shit and ass joke I knew and had all the personnel in the room laughing their “asses” off.

“Yeah, now whos in charge fuckers?” I thought

I then told them that I had not better wake up with a permanent marker arrow scrawled “Enter Here” pointing at my asshole or I would come back and put LSD and Ex Lax in their drinking water.

I must admit I was pleasantly surprised when I seen the 78″ Big Screen that was going to show my insides. I always wanted to be in the Movies “butt” not quite what I was thinking. Mom would be proud.

 I was then introduced to no less than 6 different people that were going to take part in this endeavor. I was expecting a One on One deal when it comes to something of this “delicate nature” but what the hell, the more the merrier, as two “butt” young interns roll me on my side……

“Careful, I’m a Virgin” was all I could muster.

They put a mask over my face even though I have not finished my routine, …tough crowd.

The Nymph

Then I remember seeing a strikingly gorgeous red head which I must admit I have a weakness for and just intrigued me in the far corner of the room. She’s just amused by all of this. So, as I was laying on my side looking into her green eyes I just sorta winged a good way to ask for her number when in a situation like this. She just giggled as the Anesthesiologist cranks on a valve, I then asked for her to not let them play tic tac toe on my body as she reached out to me, sprouting iridescent wings like a Dragonfly,  we flew away to La La Land.

I awoke in another room and as I came to, and was looking for that Redhead’s phone number scrolled on my stomach with an arrow pointing at my dick but I couldn’t find anything of the sort.

 Fuck. Bummer.

I realized my friend who had dropped me off sitting quietly next to me with a face like death.

I then looked groggily at the Dr.

“Mr. Pando, we had to stop the procedure.”

I stared at him in disbelief when he continued:

“Mr. Pando I’m sorry to inform you that we found a tumor in your sigmoid region, (Wait, simnoid what?…) although we don’t know yet, its most likely Cancerous. (Cancerwhat?) We took a biopsy and sent it in for further studies, in any case you need to go in for surgery.

I looked at my friend……….she hung her head….didn’t want me to see her crying I guess.

“Fuck!….. I need a shot” I thought aloud.

Then took a long deep breath and contemplated my future or there lack of…….

Battle w/ the the 1st Head:

On that quiet drive home I looked out across the Turnagain Arm to the Mountain Range over Hope, Alaska.

The Sun was high in the Sky, trees were many hues of green. I could smell the Alder and I knew somewhere up there was a Brown Bear digging out a den for her young with berries just starting to ripen under the Midnight Sun.

The tide was going out taking all the macerated remains of the Mountains Above.

Over eons those Glaciers pulverized granite like I was going to destroy this Bitch.

This I had to believe.

You see, Cancer loves Sugar and Alcohol is nothing more than fermented sugar so in order to attack that last and final head on my Journey of Labours-

 I must first go to the root of the problem.

I pulled into the Brown Bear Saloon a favorite roadhouse of mine along the Seward Highway. I walked in, there she was… my beloved bartendress.

She knew what I wanted, what I needed and with a SPARKLE in her eye poured me a stiff shot of Patron tequila.

I looked longingly into the shot glass before me caressing it so tenderly, like a magical mirror the many memories stirred within. How many times before within a plethora of liquid spirits have I toasted to Women, the Downtrodden and Total Fabrications of my Imagination?

 I thought of our many amazing moments together. We had some times. Far to many to recollect or rememberfor that matter.

You see the beauty of Alcohol is she can change her appearance and moods for any occasion. So you want it soft and easy or hard and rough? It’s like changing wigs for her. She can be anything you want. I like that a lot.

Its quite amazing really all the different forms she can take, Sweet like a liqueur, Bubbly like Champagne, Aged like Whiskey, Dark like Jaeger, Light like Chardonnay.

She can even be like one of your buddies in the form of a Hoppy IPA.

Amazingly, she can lure you into places you never thought you would be over and over again…… always down you know,… for a party.

I pursed my lips and tantalizing my tongue ever so bittersweet, let the elixir burn down my throat.

Slamming down that shot glass was like beheading the first of Her many heads.

I walked away ignoring her pleads and then her vindictiveness.

She is haunting my dreams whispering into my very being but that’s ok I love leaving them hanging, makes them want you more.

 And this I have no doubt, She Wants Me to Return as She Serves only One Master.

That other Bitch I was headed for next.

As of this writing 1/18 it has been 6 months without a drop or desire. Just a drop in the bucket so to speak.

Wait, wanna call Bullshit? I know you do, I find it hard to believe myself.

Let me tell you another little secret……. its easy to quit drinking when your about to take on the more dangerous Twins known as Diabetes and Cancer.

I have to go about this right with full commitment in my Heart and can’t Bullshit Myself Anymore.

I’ve “quit” drinking before as all of us seem to do at one point or another. Get on that wagon of sobriety only to fall off and run your self over again and again. I’ve been in every court ordered alcohol program known to man and once or twice even drank on Antabuse. My face would be hues of red and purple and felt like a locomotive in my head but all was fine, just dandy.

In fact I once taught incoming jail inmates about alcoholism as a Trustee inmate myself.I literally let myself in and out of my unlocked cell since I was there so long.

 I have lost everything dear to me because of alcohol and at the same time it has brought me much joy. What a dichotomy huh?

She is a Cunning Bitch.

One thing I learned about those who dance w/ drugs and alcohol:

A person will not stop using until something Drastic happens that makes them stop whether its poor decisions, lifestyle, health, jail and in some cases even death.

No Exceptions.


My sister was another perfect example of how ones lifestyle and poor decisions ultimately took her life all to young.

 She was a normal kid but took quickly to the party lifestyle when she was in her teens and built like a Brick Shithouse.

A no nonsense set your shit straight kind of gal. Loved running around with the biker crowd.

Within 20 years she was Utterly Devoured toothless closer to Death than Life.

 Crawling into a cardboard box beneath a freeway overpass in Downtown Oakland.

Not a very pretty place.

When that Evil Fucker got done with her she was weathered and Used Up by all those Succubuses that Desired Her until no one wanted or cared for her.


She taught me how to fight when I was 7 or 8. Kick them in the kneecap, knee them in the nuts and bite nose off type shit.

She died the same year as my Mom and Dad.

All of them though miles apart and had no contact with each other for quite some time  all had one thing in common when Hydra took them.

Each one of them had complications with fighting infections ie. Hepatitis which is usually transferred by the use of hyper-dermic needles.

Remember this was the 70’s and 80’s.

When that Bitch slithered up their veins so many years before she had already Won.

It was a easy kill like the Lion Devouring a Lamb,

She took them by their veins and Devoured them ever so Slowly.

I have to be brutally honest w/ myself that theres a good chance that I was born hooked on dope andhad alcohol in my system when I was born.

She has been with me since the beggining. In the end when one of those Heads grabbed them, it was poor lifestyle choices so many years before that made it easy to slay them all.

I miss them all dearly and curse the day they got “hooked”

Their thermostat’s were broke.

I fell back into her arms,…. the very bitch that killed them all and there she whispered her intentions and longing for me.

I was Intoxicated by her…….. litterally.

I have been in a lot of fights in my time on this rock barreling through space and time. I fought black kids in Oakland who hated me because I was white (I’m not even white, who are the “White” people anyhow? Sweeds, Russians, or all Europeans, I’m confused.) Then, I fought white kids in Salt Lake who hated me because I was dark. Never seemed to fit in. I’ve fought anybody who didn’t need a reason not to like me.

I fought my way out of East Oakland’s Shithole Ghetto and there was always a line of fuckers who wanted to fight me because they didn’t like me because my hair was to long or I fucked their girl- for whatever reason they had.

 I didnt give a fuck. I was more than happy to oblige them. I had a lot of Anger in my Heart back then due to a FUCKED UP Childhood I will spare you all the details, you know, run of the mill shit.

The Dominant Head I would have to Ultimately Conquer before my Death.

I had to do this for myself and those who were Taken From Me.

Fighting was my Medicine and gave me much Joy when I beatdown my opponent and heard the Lamentation of the Women.

I would usually endup on top but once in a great while found a adversary that got me re-thinking my future in the UFC.

 I’ve only been knocked out once in my life and when I awoke wiped the blood off and dealt with it. No big deal, cant win them all. I have never been afraid of anything really but this sort of had me rattled.

I have stared into the face of death before, almost drowned twice river rafting, broke through the frozen Arctic ocean and almost got swept under the ice to feed sand fleas out by Barrow, Alaska.

I got got shot at a few times,……. hasn’t everyone?

(My Matrix like dance moves saved my ass those time)

Yeah, a different story but Death always has the same face.

According to most I was supposed to die years ago but keep above ground somehow.

I remember I seen my Dad waste away on his death bed for over 2 years, I made a promise I wont grow old and die like that.

He told me once:

“Son, be happy if you have your health.”

 I never forgot that.

I’ve had a great life full of adventure and beautiful women. I’m good.

This Beast- the 3 headed Hydra metaphor I was battling: Alcohol, Diabetes and Cancer had me scared, her along with the other heads that arise when I behead one made me more resolved to Defeat Her Altogether.

I didn’t realize how scared I really was until one night I just started crying, Hell, I thought I was born without tear ducts all these years.

I just couldn’t stop wailing waterfalls of tears into this Deep Abyss, it was a long hard night to say the least.

Visions of this Foul Beast eating me from the Inside Out just fucked me up.

There, somewhere in the Void I found a

Sword called LOVE.

I couldn’t Battle this Bitch Alone



There was only one person I could talk to about any of this.

A “Kindred Soul” 

Although younger than myself, she is a HEALER I have known since I first arrived in Girdwood and has been there for me through all my trials and tribulations of,


She never judged me.

You see I’ve been judged and I know what it feels like to be looked down on. I have been judged by Court Magistrates throughout the Western United States and Alaska. I have been judged by Poets, Lovers, Bartenders and the Self Proclaimed Elite.

 Usually because I was totally shit faced doing things that no one could imagine or wish they had the balls to do. The whispers and pointing or just the way people treat you. Its all part of the game when you dance with her…. and Dance with Her I did, into a Never Ending Waltz.

Baby Bitch


It’s been a while since I’ve seen you smile

But now you’ve come back again

Came into the room and you saw my girl

And you asked her how long it’s been

“A year” she said and you shook your head

Said “I’m surprised it’s gone on that long”

Baby, Baby, Baby Bitch

For words I am at a loss

Baby, Baby, Baby Bitch

I’m better now please fuck off

What else you gonna say when while you’re back on your stay

Maybe something, maybe nothing, we’ll see

It’s just too bad, you’re beautiful I guess

I wasn’t for you and you weren’t for me

Baby, Baby, Baby Bitch

Please slip back into yourself

Baby, Baby, Baby Bitch

Go conquer someone else

People say, “How beautiful, how sweet, how kind”

You’re perfect, you’ve got nothing to hide

But I, for one, have seen the sun

And the bitch that you’ve locked up inside

Got fat, got angry, started hating myself

Wrote “Birthday Boy” for you babe

Now I’m skinny and sick and paranoid

Without a cent to my name

Baby, Baby, Baby Bitch

Fuck you, you stinkin’ ass ho

Most beauty I’ve seen

you come from a dream

But I can’t close my eyes anymore

No, I can’t close my eyes anymore

Sometimes she lets you lead then next thing you know your slam dancing at a wedding. Yep that’s how She does you. She will leave you Broke Down and Destitute and Run off with your Buddy. She will Always come back though and somehow through all the Bullshit- you Always take her back in.

Weakness (4th Sprouting Head)

Must first be determined before it can be Destroyed.

I looked Hard Into That Mirror I walked past my Whole Adult Life and I seen someone staring back that looked really fucking scared.

Mamacita was always there for me.

I had to look no further to ask those tough questions that only few know the answers to. She knew the Secrets of this Bitch I had to Defeat because you see Mama ( As I lovingly refer her as) has gone toe to toe with this adversary herself. A Warrioress who Slew that Bitch in her Own Garden some years prior.

You see this Conniving Entity will find another host anywhere she desires and She Desires Me.

I sought for her Council atop Crow Creek beneath the Raven Glacier ( My Spirit Animal)

I confided in her that I was Fearful to get the surgery that would expose this Bitch’s Dominant Head. I contemplated not doing it at all and maybe trying some homeopathic remedies instead. I was fleeing……. Her Claws were in Deep.

When I looked into her many Heads above me, ready to Strike…

I seen the Twisted Faces of all my Friends and Family who have Succumbed to her.

It drove such a Fear into My Core and Anger that Smoldered………..

Mama, grabbed me forcefully- which she had never done before in all the time I have known her and all the bullshit I put her through and yelled into my face:

” Pando!! Get this BITCH out of you ….then you can do that hippy shit later!


I knew then what I had to do……. but I couldn’t do it alone or in Alaska.

Besides, my Dr. suggested I get the surgery done out of State as Alaska is not known as the best place to get this procedure done. So now I know what I have to do but there’s one thing that has me worried. How the fuck am I going to pay for this shit? I had just been laid off and knew I was going to lose my insurance soon, so I was scrambling. Now like I said I have never been sick and never really used insurance before. I didn’t even know what a fucking co-pay or deductible was,……… but I soon found out.


“Dammit, a Smart Ass wife would come in handy now.” I thought.

So I started coming to terms with things like the possibility of having to shit into a colonoscopy bag.

I’m dealing with insurance people I cant fucking stand. All the while mind you, I haven’t told my boss about my condition in fear of losing my job because I now have this fucking shit inside me growing like a godamn Alien.

I mean Who the fuck wants a “SICK” person working for them?

I have not told hardly anybody yet. Not my Family, Not my Friends and possibly not myself to a certain extent.

I didn’t want to know more about it to tell you the truth, I was afraid to know more about this disease and more importantly I didn’t want to make people sad. Especially my Family who have always looked at me as a Hero who is there for them Whenever or Whatever. I just don’t want to make people sad, I have always made them laugh before.

That’s what I do,

ROADMAN who uses laughter to heal.

Although I was sick myself, I had to do this in a way that used Positive Energy or I knew I wouldn’t make it.


When somebody is diagnosed with Any Kind of Disease the last thing they should have to worry about is money- but its the first thing you need when you want to get quality treatment.

America has the most expensive health care and there lack of in the world. My surgery was going to be $30,000+. Chemotherapy depending how long I would have to do that could be triple that or more.

Its pretty disgraceful really how they can hold people hostage with their very lives.

When my eldest brother got sick and couldn’t afford treatment they told him to go home and make arrangements.

“For what?” he asked.

“To Die” they told him.

He was dead in 2 month’s from complications associated with Hepatitis, another great example of how ones lifestyle will catch up with you if you don’t confront it Head On!.

Believe This.

That’s Capitalism at its finest folks and if you don’t know by now, its……


During our last Presidential election I heard people freaking out about Socialism and Obamacare bla bla bla.  The only people I heard bitching about it was people who already had insurance and had nothing to worry about. Let me ask you this: When your loved ones are on their Deathbed and they could get treatment that would save their lives but you cant afford it and they wither away and die in front of you, then what? Yeah lifes a bitch but dying with dignity is a MOTHERFUCKER in the great US of A.

When my Grandfather a WWII Veteran was on his deathbed with a iron lung pushing air down his gullet, they kept him alive until they damn near wiped out his entire savings then when he couldn’t pay anymore sent him to die at home. Fuckin Awesome huh? Don’t believe for a minute they really give a fuck about your health, Doctors just want to get PAID like the rest of us. That’s why they went into debt in school. Not entirely true but damn near.

ok I’m moving on this is pissing me off.

Journal Entry 7/23/18

Labwork @ Lab Corps w/ 3 separate CT Scan Request so I had to do the cleansing over again. Joy. WTF!? I think I shit out my spleen. Request to release health Info between Pioneer Gi Clinic, Providence, Hillside medical all start sharing info on my case.

“Sally Forth!” I’m off to Slay This Bitch! Get diabetes under control because they cant do surgery until I get my sugars down. AIC Diagnosis not good, 13! I’m fucked. Shit, I thought that was my lucky number too. Got to get it below 7. Billing codes to give to insurance, Credit Card Authorization, Tax ID, Procedure Code, etc. Letter attesting to medical necessity. I may send them a 8×10 of my Colonoscopy results. High Gloss. AK 133% FPL/ HI 138% FPL Utah 55-133% FPL. This is like trying to read Mayan Hieroglyphics, good thing I have been known to travel through time & space. Fill shitload of prescriptions.  Diabetes Center needs more blood /Metabolic Panel. I’m running out blood, feel like a pin cushion. Looking at U of U or St. Marks in SLC. Providence needs date of insurance termination.Might have to pull my 401k. but it will come w/ a 20% early withdrawal penalty. Open IRA account & transfer 401k. into and then it will only be a 10% penalty. MY STOMACH IS KILLING ME!!!!!! Pull savings out of account before they take it all. Sell Everything I own. I have made to much this year to get Medicare and the Marketplace is a FUCKING JOKE. 26 health plans to choose from and none of them come close to what I need. COBRA extension is $1,000 a month- fuckin expensive, compared to the cost of my prescription it ain’t shit. I missed open enrollment for Marketplace and they want all kinds of records and shit I don’t have time to get. I am considering knocking off a bank for $1 then turn myself in to jail so the State will have to pay for it.

I had to fill out a LIVING WILL-

If that doesn’t get your attention I don’t know what will. All your shits on the table waiting to get divvied up, which will be easy since I don’t have shit anyhow.

Oregon has right to die with Dignity laws. I am going to Relocate.

Don’t worry, I think I can drink in Hell.

Heavens Cool but Hells a lot Hotter baby…….


So I found out that Huntsman Cancer Institute in Utah is a World Class treatment center that is in my insurance network, leading the way in robotic assisted surgery which is less Invasive.

I have decided that I will go after this Bitch in her Lair within my own body.

I have to act fast because I lose my insurance in 2 months. All these different Heads just keep popping up out of Nowhere.


Its hard to keep them all at bay while I try and focus on ambushing her as She Hibernates within my Bowels.

Wait for the right moment.

Within a month I have packed and stored what little I own and flew to Utah where I will be staying w/ old friends as I convalesce. I sold my Trusty Steed (1978 FJ40 Toyota Landcruiser) Old Snagletooth). I built up this rig over the past couple of years. I have always had a Old Land Cruiser in many adventures so I had to do One Last Drive out to Antelope Island within the Great Salt Lake. There I contemplated my next move as the Sun set in the West across a Inland Sea of Salt, the remnants of the Bonneville Sea.

A sacrifice I had to make when the Bill Collectors (6th Head) come knocking at a door I don’t have. My Utah peeps couldn’t believe it, since I poured my blood, sweat and tears into it over the past couple years. I can always build another.

I need to rebuild myself now.


I am going to the Huntsman Cancer Institute where Dr. Pikron teaches laparoscopic surgery at the University of Utah.

Laparoscopic Colorectal Surgery: What It Is and Why It’s So Effective 

A patient undergoing surgery for colorectal cancer has three options–conventional open surgery, laparoscopic-assisted surgery or laparoscopic surgery. Conventional open surgery requires a large incision in your abdomen to remove cancerous tumors and any nearby lymph nodes. One of the downsides of this option is, in most cases, the development of significant scar tissue inside the abdomen over time. Two other known disadvantages are that the incision may cause a hernia and infection can occur where the incision was made in the skin. Laparoscopic-assisted surgery involves the use of a slender viewing tube (laparoscope) and a tiny camera, which are inserted through the navel to examine the abdominal organs and perform surgery. With laparoscopic–assisted surgery, the incision in the abdomen is smaller than the one used in open surgery, but large enough that the colon can be lifted through it, so the surgery can be performed outside the body. Laparoscopic surgery, also known as minimally invasive surgery, is performed entirely inside the body (hence, the term “intracorporeal”). It is an advanced procedure that is a safe and effective alternative to both conventional open surgery and laparoscopic-assisted surgery.

What are the benefits of intracorporeal laparoscopic colorectal surgery?

Greater vision, control and accuracy for surgeons: An important point to consider is that with laparoscopic–assisted surgery, the surgeon’s line of vision inside the body is limited. This is because the incision that is made is minimal for the laparoscope to remove the colon from the body to perform the surgery. As a result, the surrounding area inside the body cavity is not readily visible to the surgeon, which limits the number of lymph nodes that can be removed. However, in intracorporeal laparoscopic surgery, the incision, while small, is large enough to enable the laparoscope to travel further into the body cavity and view the area surrounding the colon at two times the magnification level.This helps ensure that all the lymph nodes are removed during colorectal cancer surgery.

Fewer post-operative risks:

Though both conventional open surgery and laparoscopic-assisted surgery are safe and common procedures, there is less bleeding, less risk of infection, less pain and less scarring for the patient who undergoes the intracorporeal laparoscopic procedure. To avoid the risk of adhesions, which can lead to small bowel obstruction years or decades after surgery is performed, intracorporeal laparoscopic surgery is recommended.

What role does robotics play?

Robotic technology virtually extends the surgeon’s eyes and hands into the narrowest confines of the colon or rectum. It’s a high-tech 3D endoscopic system with state–of–the–art robotic technology that is positioned above the operating table and controlled by the surgeon from a special station in the operating room. Using the flexible “wrists” of the robot, the surgeon is able to delicately pass a two-lens camera for 3D viewing laparoscopically through one of the ports in the skin. Wristed instruments that bend up and down and allow freedom of movement can also be passed through one of the tiny incisions in the skin.

FUCKING AWESOME! This is turning into a Sci-Fi movie now and I thought it was sort of Fantasy themed, always was a Dungeons and Dragons geek as a kid. All the same we live in a good age!

Before this was available they would cut you open like a butchered hog. Flies all hovering above ya’ just to puke on your inards.

So when I came to terms with getting surgery the first image I had was of the ending scene in that Mel Gibson movie Braveheart. You know when they disembowel him and throw his guts to the dogs. I saw myself in his position with some hot ass nurse scrolling her number on my liver as I scream:


I’m visual like that.

I got to get my sugars down or they cant do the surgery due to fear of infection (7th Head).

Great, now I have to wait.

I’m fighting TIME here as well (8th Head)

I’m about to lose my insurance.

I quit drinking and I’m eating god awful hippy fodder and riding my bike as much as I can.

The first time I had to poke my finger and check my blood sugar level sucked, (9th Head)

I aint gonna lie.

I was so pissed to be in this position I just wanted it to all fucking go away and get this shit taken out of me but they wont do it unless I get my sugars under control. These heads just keep coming at me.

I have to cut off one head (Quit Drinking) before I can cut off the other head (Diabetes) to cut off the Main head (Cancer) and not to mention they might grow back no matter how many times I cut them off.

I cant let her mindfuck me like this……..

I have to keep hacking on this Bitch.

I’m about to lose my fucking insurance I don’t have time for this shit. Remember what I said?

She doesn’t give a fuck- in fact, it wants nothing more than for you to do nothing, makes her job easier.

I remember years ago my Dad was afraid of losing his feet or vision. WTF?! does that have to do with Diabetes huh? Well in advanced stages it attacks your small capillaries in the extremities ie. hands and feet and those in your eyes.

“My God” I thought. “How the fuck will I see and climb Mountains.

If it was one thing that helped me dealing with Alcohol all these years it was always the Mountains.

It has always been my Cathedral. Not in the traditional way most pray but in the very actions I was involved in whether it was hiking, Mtn. Biking, Snowboarding, River Rafting, Harvesting, Whatever.

I knew my long dead Elders approved and I felt them walking with me when in the Deep Canyons.

It’s where I hear their whispers telling me her weaknesses.”


My Afore mentioned Aunty took me to Yosemite when I was 3 or 4. She said I was running to a Black Bear and after she chased me down and grabbed me I told her simply:

“It was my friend.”

I remember that, from down the halls of Memories old and faded….

I learned many things since then about her Seasons and Secrets.

I have Volunteered as a Sherpa and Pleasure Tour Guide, Marijuana Mule out of Kalalau Valley, Wrangler/Guide in The Sierra Nevada’s, Mountain Guide in the Alaska Range, River Raft Guide throughout the West,  Splitboard and Operate Snowcats at many ski areas in the Wasatch, Rockies, Tetons Ranges & Alaska. Not for long mind you, my partying always fucked that up. Yeah….. always could depend on her for that.

As a teen I was engrossed with the Mountain Men of the 19th Century. Names like Jedidiah Smith, Jim Beckworth, Kit Carson, Jim Bridger and Hugh Glass. These men just fascinated me with their Lifestyle. Although I’m not much of a hunter, more of a OPPORTUNAVORE.

 I idolized them and strove to be Embrace Life like them.

Dance, fight and fuck like they did, and most importantly drink like they did.

Somewhere along the line though I spent more times in a bar looking at the Mountains instead of Being in Them.

There She Whispered………..

I had to get back in the Mountains where I could Heal.

Let Mother Nature do your pickling and preserving, for all she is trying to do is Heal You.



I will be damned though if I’m going to wear Spandex while mountain biking, what in the Almighty are these Godamn grape smugglers w/ their little clip on pedals trying to do? Make me want to puke? Get the fuck out of my way as I come barreling down in Carharts, flipping them off on my old beach cruiser with half flat tires full of Goat heads, Bozo horn and a Joker card in the spokes. I seriously contemplated throwing myself and my $50 bike in a futile “Harakiri” maneuver into their $3500 mtn. bikes.

It used to be COCAINE and WHISKEY now its KOMBUCHA and QUINOA- WTF?!

I used to avoid those health food stores or even those isles that sold oats and nuts in bulk. If I even smelled Patchouli or Sandalwood the isle over I would dry heave. Strange since I’m attracted to dready gals…….

But now here I am drinking Kale for Gods sake. Cant even pour in a shot of shitty vodka into it to make it go down smoother.

No wonder them hippies are so frail, this cant keep a rabbit alive.

I’m even reading the back of food labels now. Yeah the end must be near.

Thank God I have friends and family with Salmon, Trout, Caribou, Abalone, Deer & Elk or I would surely die of starvation.

I have lost 40 pounds so far. I feel good though. Was I that fat? Apparently, since none of my clothes stay on me anymore. I look like Prince Valliant in my Old Hoodie, pants needs a belt to stay on.

Surgery Day (The Quest into Her Lair)

The Huntsman Cancer Institute sits above the University of Utah campus. It borders where the Great Inland Sea of Bonneville waves once lapped at the base of the Wasatch Mountains. A sprawling huge glass entry way with harp players greet you. It has beautiful works of art like a museum.

“Is this the fabled “Pearly Gates?” I thought and wondered if they serve Virgin Mary’s here. Make it a Double.

I imagined it would be full of Sick Old People but I now seen the Bitch does not care about your age, ethnicity, religion or desires. She is not discriminatory in any way.

There they all were in different stages of the disease. Some were walking with their wheeled medication stand while some others were in chairs. In and out of many offices and recovery rooms and the Pharmacy line where there are always people waiting……..

If it’s one thing I learned about getting help: it’s Patience, you always will have to wait on someone.

I was nervous and just wanted to Run the Fuck into the Mountains where I used to Grow Weed all those years ago….. and find my Old Cave.

I had Good Friends with me along the way comforting me and cracking more shit jokes of course. Hey man, if your willing to dish it out you got to be able to take it right? I don’t hang around People who ain’t real very long.

I was nervous as fuck and couldn’t smoke enough Herb to calm me down.

My heart was racing and I felt as if I was going down that rabbit hole.

The Gift of COURAGE

Then I seen her, a little girl wearing a Rainbow head scarf. I stared at her the way I hate when people stare at me. She was laughing seemingly oblivious to her condition or perhaps all to aware of it. I had such a overwhelming desire to cry. I felt guilty for feeling so down low as I seen this brave child. I wish I could hug her and take all of her Cancer away and go die somewhere in the Wasatch Mountains amongst my Flowers. She had a full life ahead of her and here I was 3/4 of the way through mine feeling as if the world was against me. If I had the ability I would have taken it all away from her.

I will never forget her face.

This gave me such strength in a time of deep despair.

I hope she grows into a beautiful woman with long hair someday.

“C” is for CHANGE

I cant tell you much about what happened in the surgery room but I awoke in a recovery room with friendly familiar faces. I was sort of “Out of it” as different people came in and out. Cant really recollect who but it was all good and I Felt the Love. I was hooked up to all kinds of monitors, things in my arm and a catheter in my dick (no arrow with a phone number as I envisioned). Truthfully, I didn’t want to know about the incision they made but when the surgical team came in to take a look I dropped the sheet for all to see, dick included free of charge. A young intern blushed and covered up my penis. I laughed and it hurt so god damn bad. A good kind of hurt.

All I knew was that there was an incision that was about 4-6 inches across my lower abdomen. Much like a woman’s Cesarean Scar. Great. I don’t think to many guys have one of these to show off at the Bar I wont be at anyfuckinghow!

I call it my “MANSERIAN SCAR”.

I also have two small incision off to the right of my naval from where the Robotic Arms went into my Abdomen. I was reclaiming my body and Hacking this Vile Beast from my very Core.

I was fumbling with my bellybutton one day, half stoned on the stuff I would push a little button for that made me happy. It felt like something was in there like old lint. So I kept trying to pull it out which I did, then realized it was a scab from where they had initially went in with a camera. I licked it and put it back. I should have stashed a hit of LSD back there for later when I’m on a Mountain looking down from high above the Land of Many Fires.

I wanted to get out of the hospital as soon as possible so when they told me I should walk around to get some exercise, I was gone!

I was hitting on every nurse on every floor no matter what her age.

This is the Second Coming ladies so watch out.

If you really feel the need to help me how about busting me off some of that Kit Kat bar, hmmm?

One cool nurse told me I could hit my THC Vape pen if I blew it into the vent above my bed.


I was on the elevator hitting my vape wheeling’ my Electrolyte and Catheter bags around jamming to Bob Marley’s

Don’t Worry.

A lady got on the 3rd floor. She was crying on the phone

“They removed Dad’s Rectum.”

Whoa fuck,…….. She Could Still Dig Her Claws In.

I guess I’m pretty fortunate.

On a Sunny Summer morning I went out to the outdoor atrium where no one was and peeled off my smock to let the Sun caress my body. I gazed across those Wasatch Mountains I knew so well.

There it was before me, Mt. Olympus. The trees were just starting to turn Colors. Jesus, was it Fall already?

I made a promise I was going explore there soon.

The Sun felt so good on my incisions and I soon fell asleep and awoke naked surrounded by people. My penis was in full retreat turtle mode as it had the catheter inside still. I wasn’t tripping, as I took a long hit off my vape pen and turn on some Blind Melon.

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain

You don’t like my point of view, you think that I’m insane

It’s not sane, it’s not sane

I just want someone to say to me, oh

I’ll always be there when you wake, yeah

You know I’d like to keep my cheeks dry today

So stay with me and I’ll have it made, I’ll have it made, I’ll have it made

Oh, no, no, you know, I really wanna, really gonna have it made

You know, I’ll have it made

I don’t care what anybody tells you. If I didn’t have Marijuana to help me through this time I probably would have died of Anxiety. This shit will work you over physically, psychologically, physiologically, emotionally and spiritually wether your religious or not.

No one knows what goes through your mind when your alone dealing with this shit known as Cancer. It relieved my stress so much- the only girl I needed. I am very grateful to have had this available to me.

Pst- I just like getting high.

“C” is for CANNABIS (The Medicine)

Cannabis and Cancer: How “Marijuana” Helps the Body Heal

The cannabis plant (also known as the hemp plant) has been used in just about every culture for centuries. In fact, cannabis is included in the 50 fundamental herbs within the cornucopia of Traditional Chinese Medicine. It has been cited in ancient texts as having a healing effect on over 100 ailments. In recent years in the United States, the collective mood is changing in regards to cannabis/hemp (aka “marijuana”).

Personally, I prefer to use the term “hemp” or “cannabis” since those are proper names for the plant, and the truth is that the term “marijuana” (derived from the Mexican slang “marihuana”) was popularized in the early 1930s by the Federal Bureau of Narcotics (which later became the DEA) in order to make this amazing plant sound sinister and to elude the public’s existing familiarity and comfort level with the plant and the medical application of cannabis/hemp tinctures. “Marijuana” was not a commonly smoked recreational drug at the time.

Currently there are 25 states where it is legal for patients to use “marijuana” for medical purposes. Pending federal legislation may open up opportunities for federally-funded medical research, including human clinical trials. This will further prove cannabis’ track-record when it comes to healing a number of disease conditions − including cancer.

Prior research in the 1980s led Mechaoulam and others to pinpoint two main receptors for cannabinoids − cannabinoid 1 (CB1) and cannabinoid 2 (CB2). Researchers at the time also defined the natural substances called endocannabinoids, which our body produces on its own in a similar way it produces endorphins. Phytocannabinoids (namely THC, CBD, and their variants), on the other hand, come directly from the cannabis plant.

Cannabinoid receptors CB1 and CB2 are designed by the body to be specific targets for THC, while our natural endocannabinoids help to synthesize it. The process of THC-cannabinoid receptor binding and what this does for the body is what researchers have been studying for over two decades. They are doing this in order to find out exactly how cannabis works in healing cancer.

Microbiologist Dr. Christine Sanchez of Compultense Univeristy in Madrid, Spain has been studying cannabinoids and cancer since the early 2000s. 

Cannabis and Cancer Tumor Growth

“We observed that when we treated [astrocytoma, a type of brain tumor] cells with cannabinoids, the THC…was killing the cells in our Petri dishes,” Dr. Sanchez says. “We…decided to analyze these components in animal models of breast and brain tumors. The results we are obtaining are telling us that cannabinoids may be useful for the treatment of Breast Cancer.”

Sanchez and other researchers have confirmed that the most potent effects against tumor growth occur when THC and CBD are combined.

Cannabidiol, or CBD, which does not have a psychoactive effect, has long been known as a potent anti-cancer agent. This is because of its ability to interfere with cellular communication in tumors as well as in its ability to instigate apoptosis, or programmed cancer cell death. Some research studies, including in vitro and animal-based trials conducted by San Francisco-based researchers at the California Pacific Medical Center, have also shown that CBD may affect genes involved in aggressive metastasis. It does this by helping to shut down cellular growth receptors.

Δ9-Tetrahydrocannabinol (i.e. THC), the psychoactive counterpart to CBD, has been shown to reduce tumor growth as well. It has also shown to have an effect on the rate of metastasis, including for non-small cell lung cancer − the leading cause of cancer deaths globally. A 2007 study on THC and highly-aggressive epidermal growth factor receptor-overexpressing (EGF-expressing) lung cancer conducted by Harvard Medical School found that certain EGF lung cancer cells express CB1 and CB2 cannabinoid receptors. They found that the presence of THC effected metastasis of these cells by reducing the “focal adhesion complex,” which plays a vital role in cancer migration.

Studies have also been conducted on the combined effect of CBD and THC on lung, prostate, colon, pancreatic, liver, bladder, cervical, blood-based, brain, and other forms of cancer. These studies lend increasing evidence to the fact that cannabinoids are not only antioxidant phytonutrients but powerful “herbal chemo” 

If “marijuana” is rightfully removed from a Schedule I drug, this would open the door for more targeted, federally-funded research as well as increased patient access to this amazing healing plant.

In the meantime, if you are on a cancer-healing path and are considering using cannabinoids, here are some general guidelines that experts agree are worth considering:

  1. Do your own research. The best way to learn about the power of cannabis in healing cancer is to start digging. There are approximately 500 articles on Pubmed alone relating to cannabis and cancer. Learn about strains, qualified targeted research studies, what method of administration may be right for you, and the importance of balancing the Endocannabinoid System.
  2. Know your source. Unfortunately, because the medical cannabis industry is largely unregulated, charlatans selling bogus products definitely exist. You should not have to pay exorbitant amounts of money for any cannabis product that you buy from regulated pharmacies or online. Also, make quality a priority for you. Be sure that your product comes from an organic source and that you know that the plant has not been grown or processed using pesticides.
  3. Stick with natural cannabis products. Synthetically-produced cannabinoids such as Marinol are commercially available. However, anecdotal evidence has found that these do not work as efficiently as natural substances do.
  4. Work with a professional healthcare provider trained in cannabinoid therapy. These professionals are out there in increasing numbers, especially in states where the medical cannabis industry is well established or growing, such as California and Colorado. Reach out to a patient advocate group online if no qualified professionals are in your area.
  5. Make cannabis therapy an important part of your overall cancer-healing toolbox. A well-rounded naturally-based cancer healing protocol involves working with the body’s own healing mechanisms through a variety of means. For you, this may mean changes to your diet and lifestyle, reducing stress, getting quality sleep, moving your body, intense detoxing protocols, and using other supplements and proven natural methods in addition to the powerful healing power of cannabis.

This information is being suppressed from you by the mainstream media and the medical establishment. Be notified each week when cutting-edge 

So here’s the deal. Cannabis is still considered a schedule 1 drug like Meth and Heroin. The feds being the money hungry wolves they are dragging their feet on this until they can figure out if it will offset the Money they are Making from the War on Drugs. Thank God States like Alaska are passing their own laws to make this available to people. I have personally never had any problem getting it but I feel for those who don’t have connections like me and are suffering needlessly. So I’m putting it out there for anybody with Cancer. 

Hit me up Anytime, No Questions No Worries.

I know what your going through. Stress will fuck you up and prolong your healing process, this I have no doubt.

The War on Drugs started under Nixon and it has done nothing to stop people using drugs. Its funny because I have always looked at it a different way. Why do people do Drugs & Alcohol? Its because they just want to feel good. Plain and Simple. No Big Secret folks. Everbody does it right? Why do some people just seem to “let” it destroy their lives though?

Imagine if you will, a Old Fj40  Toyota Landcruiser. It has, like all vehicles, what is called a thermostat. It controls a flap that allows the radiator to stay in closed position as it first starts until it warmd up then opens as heat build up in the engine. Sometimes these get stuck and even though the engine is about to blow it wont open to relieve pressure and heat.

Some people don’t have that thermostat if you will to control their intake and so the pressure just builds.

I could lose my job taking THC/CBD for my Cancer which helps me eat better and just stay positive. They would rather I paid BIG PHARMA to get pills and get hooked on Opiates so they can have me on a leash. That ain’t going to happen.

Both my parents were Junkies so that is not an option. Even after they got off heroin they were hooked on Methadone which is a Federally Regulated Opiate they can make money off of.

My Mom didn’t have to go down to local dope dealer because all she had to do is go to the State run clinic to get her fix. 

Slave’s until the very end. That is what you will become if you choose to ride that White Horse.

Shedding this old skin like a spider molts.

Journal Entry mid Sept.

So my Old Friend stopped by and gave me some Rick Simpson Oil which was the first produced CBD that’s been around for years. Developed by a Dr. it has many beneficial proprieties that Cancer Patients may find beneficial. I had a few pens that had a gram of this very potent oil in it. I was advised to do it in tenth of a gram increments in my hot tea. I found that it stuck to the spoon and sides of my cup so I decided I would just put it in my mouth and squeeze some of the oil into it. Needless to say the plunger was sticking due to the oil and then it released all of the pen contents in my mouth. It stuck to my teeth and I was choking it down like a dog eating peanut butter. No big deal.

Approximately a half an hour or so later I found myself totally incapacitated.

I could barely get outside and was unable to communicate. There they found me. I was dry heaving and saliva was coming out the corners of my mouth. All I could do to communicate was attempt rudimentary sign language which I failed at miserably. They brought me into the house and lay me down on a bed where I mumbled incoherently. I thought for sure I had overdosed and would remain in this catatonic status for the remainder of my life. I was hyperventilating and sweating profusely in what seemed as a bad trip of immense proportions.

My Utah Peeps were trying to comfort me but I wish they would just quit touching me and rubbing on me to make me feel better.

I am unable to defend myself from this onslaught of Love to only succumb to and fall asleep.

The next day when I could finally but somewhat wobbly, stand “upright” I managed to form sentences and told all who would listen of my Life Altering Experience.

“Oh God, he’s having some kind of reaction to the surgery medication!” my Bro’s wife blurted out. Go find his meds call the Ambulance.

But upon further inquiry it was determined by their witty and somewhat sarcastic daughter that I had simply “Greenied Out”

I tried to Wikipedia this shit but its so new it aint there yet but it is a term meaning that you just got to fucking high.

That’s it? I have a Godamn Epiphany and think I just got to high? WTF MAN?!

They moved me out of my Man Cave outside and inside their house on a inflatable Matress in their Living Room. I felt like Uncle Charlie in Willy Wonka. AND! they confiscated all my drugs. Where’s my Golden Ticket?

Yeah tough love hurts sometimes.

Healing up here was difficult as I felt as if I was disrupting their lives with all the bullshit it entails. They had over seven cats inside the house two of which were kittens who loved running across me at night where I would then in a involuntary defense mechanism SIT RIGHT THE FUCK UP, which hurt like a Motherfucker! They would claw their way across my inflatable mattress all night, needless to say I couldn’t get out of when I was about to shit myself. My incision hurt pretty bad and it was a bitch to get out of bed lying prone let alone one that’s half flat. I couldn’t even catch the fucking things. I was waiting to ambush them with my blankets like a Venus Flytrap. I had to get out of there besides I hated depending on others and sometimes I just didn’t want to be around anybody.
I healed up well enuf’ and was riding my mountain bike within a few weeks. My one saving grace was I loved riding along the bike path on the Jordan River watching the Geese I knew had flown from somewhere up North. Within a week though my bike I just bought got stolen off my Landcruiser. Who FUCKING steals from a Cancer survivor yo? I jumped in my Landcruiser and punched it down the street even though every bump hurt my incision I was going to find that son of a bitch and run him over,…. a few times. I seen this guy on a Mtn. Bike and flipped a bitch to confront him, pulling up slavering and about to fuck him up then I realized it wasn’t my bike. I had to get out of this place and return to the Emerald Triangle.

Six weeks after surgery I went back to start the process of Chemotherapy.

All the nurses were congratulating me.

I’m like ok- what do I have to be happy about besides being on a bunch of pain killers from surgery?

They said that they didn’t get people with my specific condition so early on.

I was like WTF? are you talking about?….. early on. 

They went on to say that the way my cancer formed within my colon it had blocked my ability to digest properly (which is why I was experiencing the pain).

It sucked when I was starving and wanting to eat some Mexican food and all I could eat was broth, and if I did eat something like a cheeseburger I was doomed to a torturous night.

I would feel it coming on and knew I was fucked. Nothing like sitting on the toilet grunting using Lamaze breathing techniques, twisting w/ what I called “sitting jacks” for a half an hour just to turn around and look at your work and see nothing but dark blood and a small cat turd.

Don’t get me started YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH! 

I had to endure this night after night. I wouldn’t wish this on my worse enemy and I mean that.

They went on to tell me that most don’t experience the pain associated with my tumor, you see most peoples tumor grow from the inside out and infect surrounding organs or tissue. Mine was growing within the Large Intestine. So after trying to understand just what the fuck they were saying. They congratulated me because they had found no indication that my tumor had infected anything outside of what they took out during surgery.

They continued that my blood test results show that it has not spread to my BLOOD or LYMPTH NODES!

So they decreased my initial Stage III Cancer rating down to a really bad STAGE II.

There are only 4 Stages of Cancer before Death.

I didnt want to hear about the survival rates because I’m gonna Slay this Dragon!

For some reason I didn’t feel much like celebrating but remember my dear sweet friend? She was whispering in my ear, wanted to meet at the Cotton Bottom for a drink and party. I seriously contemplated it but I stood her up.

Dumb Bitch.

I went back to Cali to help my family with Harvest Season. It was nice to have a never ending supply of the best strains in Mendocino County to assist in my healing.

It has been a long journey compressed into a small clip in time.  There is so much I could go on about….

I feel as if so much has happened and I have a new insight to what’s really Important.

I’m not going to lie, there have been days that were really rough and I may have lashed out at those I hold dear to me. That’s the beauty of Family.

They take your anger and pain and convert it into Love.

For all the bad and good news I cant help but feel this fight is for the rest of my life and I may have to go a few extra rounds. I could be told I’m good to go out into the World with a clean bill of health.

Sure go ring the bell and party it up.

I must remain Vigilant and Mindful She will Always seek me out.

I Rammed that Ship of Fools into where She DWELT and Confronted her, She never expected that. 

Never Look Back.

As if it wasn’t hard enough I found out from People’s actions and words that most are incapable of keeping a secret of this magnitude. Apparently some told two friends who told two friends and so on down the line until everyone knew but tried not to let me know they knew.

Your all terrible actors but you will always have a Leading Role in My Movie.

I find it difficult to write now and struggle with this piece a lot, since I now also experience Chemo Brain.

Three syllable’s or less from here on out, I promise.

What Is Chemo Brain?

Chemotherapy can help you beat cancer, but side effects are almost certain. It’s common for you to have a cloudy mind, called “chemo brain,” during and after treatment. Maybe you have a hard time remembering names or can’t multitask as well as you used to.

As many as 3 out of 4 people with cancer say they’re not as mentally sharp. It’s often caused by your chemotherapy medicines, but it can also come from the cancer itself or other problems like infection, low blood counts, fatiguesleep problems, or stress.


Chemo brain can cause thinking and memory problems. Symptoms include trouble with:

  • Concentrating and paying attention
  • Remembering names, dates, and everyday things
  • Finding the right word or doing simple math (like balancing your checkbook)
  • Doing more than one thing at a time
  • Mood swings

 I quit doing a lot of things when I was on that Ship of Fools. 

So I got a laptop and am writing again. This is my first piece. I hope you all like it. Excuse the errors I had to recheck it over and over and I’m writing straight from the Heart.

I don’t want anybody else to have to go through this shit. Yeah it was a little difficult “coming out” but for the better. I have to get up early and do all these things before the Chemo Brain sets in. Don’t worry its sorta like being Really High. 


Chemotherapy (often abbreviated to chemo and sometimes CTX or CTx) is a type of cancer treatment that uses one or more anti-cancer drugs (chemotherapeutic agents) as part of a standardized chemotherapy regimen. Chemotherapy may be given with a curative intent (which almost always involves combinations of drugs), or it may aim to prolong life or to reduce symptoms (palliative chemotherapy). Chemotherapy is one of the major categories of the medical discipline specifically devoted to pharmacotherapy for cancer, which is called medical oncology.

The term chemotherapy has come to connote non-specific usage of intracellular poisons to inhibit mitosis, cell division. The connotation excludes more selective agents that block extracellular signals (signal transduction). The development of therapies with specific molecular or genetic targets, which inhibit growth-promoting signals from classic endocrine hormones (primarily estrogens for breast cancer and androgens for prostate cancer) are now called hormonal therapies. By contrast, other inhibitions of growth-signals like those associated with receptor tyrosine kinases are referred to as targeted therapy.

Importantly, the use of drugs (whether chemotherapy, hormonal therapy or targeted therapy) constitutes systemic therapy for cancer in that they are introduced into the blood stream and are therefore in principle able to address cancer at any anatomic location in the body. Systemic therapy is often used in conjunction with other modalities that constitute local therapy (i.e. treatments whose efficacy is confined to the anatomic area where they are applied) for cancer such as radiation therapysurgery or hyperthermia therapy.

Traditional chemotherapeutic agents are cytotoxic by means of interfering with cell division (mitosis) but cancer cells vary widely in their susceptibility to these agents. To a large extent, chemotherapy can be thought of as a way to damage or stress cells, which may then lead to cell death if apoptosis is initiated. Many of the side effects of chemotherapy can be traced to damage to normal cells that divide rapidly and are thus sensitive to anti-mitotic drugs: cells in the bone marrowdigestive tract and hair follicles. This results in the most common side-effects of chemotherapy: myelosuppression (decreased production of blood cells, hence also immunosuppression), mucositis (inflammation of the lining of the digestive tract), and alopecia (hair loss). Because of the effect on immune cells (especially lymphocytes), chemotherapy drugs often find use in a host of diseases that result from harmful overactivity of the immune system against self (so-called autoimmunity). These include rheumatoid arthritissystemic lupus erythematosusmultiple sclerosisvasculitis and many others. 

2 weeks after surgery I lost my insurance and was trying to get on Medicare and looking for options on Marketplace all of which wouldn’t enact before I started Chemotherapy. I had one option and that was COBRA. Its an expensive way to keep your former employers insurance plan. It cost me $1,000 a month which I wasn’t all to happy about but compared to how much Chemo meds cost it was a drop in the hat.This is why I sold my Land Cruiser.

I was told I had 2 options for Chemo one being a port put in my chest which I would have to sit in a chair to get injected with Chemo which by the way would cost me every time I sat down.

Or I could opt for some pills I could take. Each prescription for these is $5,000 ($40 a pill)

I need at least 2 prescriptions a month sometimes 3.

Remember what I said about the Almighty Dollar?

That on top of the pills I have to take for diabetes, cholesterol and what ther fuck ever else they tell me too. I’m taking damn near twenty a day.

So like I said, Cancer and Diabetes don’t give a fuck what you want, but its all I can do.

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice- Neil Peart

Although it may take longer to kill all the Cancer, it would allow me to move about and visit family who I had just “come clean” with. That was the hardest.

Even harder than making a “Living Will”

There would also be side effects no doubt with Chemo-

One that got my attention.

I would lose my fingerprints with something called hand-foot syndrome.

Also called hand-foot syndrome or hand-to-foot syndrome, Palmar-Plantar Erythrodysesthesia  is a side effect, which can occur with several types of chemotherapy or biologic therapy drugs used to treat cancer.  For example, Capecitabine (Xeloda®), 5-Flurouracil (5FU), continuous-infusion doxorubicin, doxorubicin liposomal (Doxil®), and high-dose Interleukin-2 can cause this skin reaction for some patients.  Following administration of chemotherapy, small amounts of drug leak out of very small blood vessels called capillaries in the palms of the hands and soles of the feet.  Exposure of your hands and feet to heat as well as friction on your palms and soles increases the amount of drug in the capillaries and increases the amount of drug leakage.  This leakage of drug results in redness, tenderness, and possibly peeling of the         palms and soles.  The redness, also known as palmar-plantar erythema, looks like sunburn.  The areas affected can become dry and peel, with numbness or tingling developing.  Hand-foot syndrome can be uncomfortable and can interfere with your ability to carry out normal activities

Are you fucking kidding me?, I could have used that 20 years ago when I came to Alaska as a fugitive from the long arm of the Law! Another side effect is small bruises on the soles of my feet that’s like walking on gravel.

Maybe I can do a jewel heist to pay my fucking bills that are mounting up, even AFTER insurance I’m knee deep.

People suggested a “Go Fund” me page and although it sounds nice and  all, I really don’t want or need it now as I’m able to work and I will sell my kidney if I have to.

(Albeit, Somewhat Used)

I found myself on the Amtrak train looking out the window where I could see my reflection, looked sorta skinny but not scared anymore.

I got to thinking of all the possibilities I have now. I mean there is a space in me now where a part of my Large Intestine was so maybe I can smuggle shit from somewhere and pay all my bills.

El Burro- The Mule

I am EXTREMELY FORTUNATE to be here at all and come out of it a better human being.

I’m wary to Celebrate though and know I got to keep cauterizing these Head Wounds, She will always seek a way back into my very Being.

I guess you can buy me a Kombucha or Root Beer at the Brewery, make it a double.

It’s been one hell of a ride.

“L” is for LOVE

For loners like myself Love can be a dual edged sword.

At times you can take it in and at others times it hard to let its healing properties flow.

Sadly, sometimes you carry around so much guilt or anger that you feel as if you don’t deserve that Love.

I try and stay positive and keep laughing at my daily struggles.

Other times I am exhausted by it all and can get in a funk where I wish I could just go and sit and have a beer with my buddies down at the Dive.

Yeah, that bitch keeps fucking calling me but you know what?

I blocked her ass.

You don’t become a Elder by just getting Old. You have to work on it.

12/14/18 11:52 pm

My A1C  ( 3 month indicator of my blood sugar level) dropped from 13 to 6.8

 Pretty Godamn Remarkable I must admit.

All my levels are within parameters that indicate I am on my way to remission myself.

I just got off the phone with my Chemotherapy Dr.

He went over all my recent bloodwork findings and we spoke at length of my Grand Plans into the future. After all I have been through I have come to realize what is truly important in Life. Its not about money and material gain, its about your place in this World and those you affect along the way. Those will be the ones who remember who you were and what you did when your gone. So I am quitting my job up in the Oil Fields of Alaska Northslope. Cashing in my 401k. buying a sailboat so I can sail into the Sunset when this Book comes to an end. There I can write of all my trials and tribulations of Pandomonium

After that We came to the conclusion that after one more round:


I gave it everything I had.

Just want to go cut a nice Christmas tree down,…. nice and straight.

Seems like such a waste though so I think I will let it grow.

Sometimes you have to have the Courage to Grow.

Weird shit, I know.


Heed my words for they are a Gift

Anybody over 40 should go get a Colonoscopy now because getting 2 feet of camera snaked up it, is better than having no ass at all. Who knows, some of you might find it quite pleasurable.

I don’t Judge.

Oh yeah and for the record:

MY ASS is fully in TACT!

Don’t look for me down in the bars anymore I’ll be Where the Wild Things Roam.


 see my catheter?

I’m getting a Tattoo over my Manserian Scar in Old World Ruins that Simply Reads:

fuck cancer

EDITORS NOTE 12/21/2018


Today is Winters Solstice. I just flew down from the Great White North. I flew atop Denali Mountain, the GREAT ONE. The Atmosphere from 33,000 was Dark Blue down to a Vibrant Indigo a Stark  Contrast to the Snow & Ice on the Surface of the Earth. Seems so fragile……

So Beautifaul Place to Call Home, this Earth. 

Mother GAIA

As the shortest day of the year She now Returns Her Gaze to Our Father the Sun

I awoke and my toe hurt. I took off my sock and my Big Toe was swollen and hurt really bad. I touched it and hard white puss came out from underneath my toenail. I ran a hot bath and MEDITATED…………. soaking with a candle. 


I am PURGING the last of that Bitches Venom from my Being.

When People stop and ask me now,

“What’s up Pan?”

I reply

“Slaying Dragons man,……. slaying dragons.”

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